Hey, Joe. Hi.
We are back aboard the original Enterprise.
It's Star Trek, the original series, in its celebrated 3rd and
final series, Celebrated, yes. celebrate it.
And it's series 3, episode 12, the end path, which 1st screened on
the 6th of December, 1968.
So about 6 months before I enter our story.
This is a controversial episode, I think, because some people
think it's good, but people who can tell whether a TV show is good
or not think it's really terrible.
Oh my god, this is awesome.
Are you talking about you now?
So, I think up to this point, we have done some bad Star Trek
episodes and things like wolf in the fold, which I thought was
like stupid and ridiculous for all.
Oh, visually fun, wasn't it?
Or the foggy streets and that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And Spock's brain is obviously terrible.
And...
Gods destroy.
It was also really quite marvellous.
It did have an exploding green woman in it, which was pretty
great.
But I actually think that this is the worst episode that we have
covered to date.
Of all of untold.
Star Trek project.
Well, the worst episode of the original series that we've covered
I think.
It's up there with episodes like Justice and Manhunt, isn't it?
Well, I actually think it's worse than those in some ways.
Manhunt, perhaps it has something sort of in common with, in that
there's an overwhelming sense in manhunt, that we're filling the
screen with things that happen so that we all stay alive to the
point where the closing credits roll. there's a real sense of that
here.
There's a sense that we don't have a story, actually.
And what we have instead is some aliens who are subbing in for a
scriptwriter with no particular ideas for a story.
And they just do things to our characters for a while, until Kirk
complains about it quite a lot, and then they stop, and then we
have a scene back on board the Enterprise, and then we all get on
with our lives.
And if they're trying to make a point about compassion, which I
think they are, they really needed, what they needed to do was
write a story in which the characters were called upon to show
compassion to each other or do something like that.
Not just for what they do. horribly until they show some kind of
an emotion about it. they just put them in this sort of black void
and then just do random things to each other.
Nothing is set up.
Everyone talks like space people.
They have the most low rent omnipotent godlike aliens.
They're like the people who didn't make it past the 1st casting
call for the cage. did make it into Star Trek discovery.
They're like, they're like the bumheaded aliens from the cage only
they took up smoking at the age of 14.
I think, is what they look like.
This horrible makeup around their mouth. makes them look really
horrible.
But it's just like, I just don't know what, like, this is very
like.
And I predicted that this episode was going to be like this.
If you go back and listen to the end of the previous episode that
we did.
I say, see, the trouble is that I could theorise about what this
is going to be like, and given that it's in series three, it might
be just one of the ones where we stand around while powerful
aliens kind of torment everyone until we get sick of it and then
leave.
And that's what it is.
It's like whom God's destroy, which is terrible.
Like a terrible hour of television, not very entertaining at all
but vastly more entertaining than this, I think, because there's
sort of campness and nonsense going on and people in costumes and
all sorts of things happening.
But there's an overwhelming sense of like no particular story or
plot going on and it's just doing things to eat up running time.
And I really feel that here.
And that's without even addressing the sort of weird misogyny of
having a mute woman who is supposed to sacrifice her life for the
sake of someone that she's only just met.
Otherwise will allow her planet to be destroyed and her race to go
extinct.
And like all of that is supposed to be, like, I don't even know
how to feel about that.
What is that?
You know?
So, so I just think the whole thing is there's just nothing to
this.
Like, there's just nothing to it.
There's no story, there's no plot, and it's boring looking, um, and
just not very entertaining.
Am I am I being unfair, Joe?
This is the question.
I don't think I hated it quite as much as you did.
I mean, I was reasonably entertained watching this episode.
I was considering coming onto this podcast and just reacting to
you in a series of mute expressions, you know, sort of pretty
person, just reacting to the things that you're saying.
Yeah, but then I realised that no one would hear my voice and
wow.
If you'd have told me that Shatner and Nemoy and Deforest Kelly
came on the set today and they said, sorry, guys, we haven't got a
script, okay?
And we've only got this black room with these few bits of
technology lying around and the stock planet set from last week
all right?
Now, just have a think about the episodes we've done so far.
And will you just cobble something together?
We got these sort of bum-headed aliens. over here in stock from
the pilot we never did.
And they're like, oh, God, all right, what can we do?
You know, okay, can you give us one woman?
Just one pretty woman?
Yeah, that's one.
We won't even give her any lines, you know.
She can just react to whilst doing manly things.
And then they go, right, okay, fine.
We'll be tortured in various horrible ways, and then at the end
we'll sort of suggest that it was all in the cause of some great
humanitarian thing, and then we'll go back to the ship at the
end.
Because, yeah, you're right.
There isn't a narrative here.
There isn't a plot.
There isn't any kind of, but what there is, and this out which is
this a bit for me, is I did like the byplay between the trio of
Kirk Spock and McCoy.
And like the moments where I was sort of reading reviews on this.
I read Jammer's review, which was very complimentary about this.
A little money goes a long ways.
And his reviews were lit.
This is what made me realise how divisive this was.
It was like people going, no, you're fucking mad.
This is a 0 stars and the most tedious thing I've ever watched.
And then other people going, I actually really like seeing, you
know, the command structure, how much they care about each other
how much they're willing to sacrifice each other.
And they were sort of leaning is that some people really liked, I
thought this poor actress wasn't given any lines, but was sort of
emoting through expression, you know, and seeing sort of visual
poetry as she's expressing the pain and the regret and all of this
you know, um, and it really was.
It was just like a tame 2 half. those reviews where people were
saying I loved it and I hated it.
I didn't love it.
But I think we have done worse.
I've been more bored than this.
And this is a, in the 1st half, I was like, okay, fine, they're
going to be tortured, like there's a bit where Captain Kirk is
strung up right, obviously with his shirt off.
And I was going, oh, come on, that is clearly not shat.
Look at the muscles in his back.
And then it got sort of off. front.
Well, then it comes to the front and he's got quite a good body
though.
Like, I was like, yeah.
But that's not his back.
No I know.
They brought in like Arnold Schwarzenegger for the backshot and
then it comes down.
I remember thinking the decision to have Shatner tortured with his
shirt off and the decision to have Dee tortured with his shirt on
were both fine decisions. like really very good.
I mean, when he's tortured, I was regent.
They put him in one of the old costumes from series one and 2
because I had to tear it up, you know. saw a little bit of his
tongue, but that's about it.
No, but the 1st half of the episode, I was on board.
And then in the 2nd half, it was just the same stuff going on
again and again, until the moral of the story hits and doesn't
land.
And you're right.
And then it's just the usual shit joke at the end and off we go.
What the hell is the point of all of that?
In fact, like all of the stuff about saving her race and stuff is
all just said to us.
There's no setup at all.
There's no indication that this, like, we kind of learn that there
are lots of planets or lots of civilisations or something in this
system, but it's never mentioned before the bumheaded aliens kind
of bring it up, and then they say that we can only save one race
but it's not very clear whether that's one race not including
their own.
And kind of like at this point I just lost consciousness.
There's so many aliens as well, I want to just take humanity and
just put them into sort of weird little games, isn't there?
Well, there's a lot of aliens that want to do that sort of thing.
But I mean, in a sense, what it is, and like, I really, really
think that the 2 aliens really stand for a scriptwriter who has no
ideas.
And so how about this?
Yeah.
No, they say, oh, we'll torture him, and then we'll see how she
reacts to that, and then, you know, then we'll torture the other
one, and we'll give these people a choice, and we'll do all of
this.
But that's what the story should be doing.
Like, just having some guys with bum heads, doing it to them all
for no reason.
Like put them in a situation that's real and get them to sacrifice
for one another and all of that sort of thing.
That's all great.
That's all good stuff.
But instead you just don't have a set.
You don't have a script and you just kind of all this crap happens
for like 50 minutes.
I'm literally going to see them now as the 2 script writers, you
know, like, and you will find out why we're torturing. you written
it yet?
Have you written it?
No.
Oh shit.
Torture him some more.
Yeah, buy him sometime.
You'll find out by the end.
Oh, blessing hell.
I did say that I would, of course, provide what's the lady's name
Jim, with some sort of subtitles, oral subtitles as we go from the
episode.
Yeah, just otherwise, we're going to do a lot of things of us
going, oh, what's going on now?
What is she thinking?
I've said nearly all I have to say.
We've got 50 minutes now.
I did say today from before we came on, usually, you know, in the
60s, we've got these lovely pop art sets that we can compliment
and the lighting of things, but unfortunately, it's just a black
room.
And, you know, last week was mostly set in a dark room as well.
Well, we did the drum head.
Welds apart.
All right.
I think we better go here.
I really think we better come in before I fall asleep.
We've flown our loads.
Oh, no, that's right.
That's right.
All right.
I will count us in.
Can I just say, before we go in, the byline for season 3 on Amazon
Prime, right?
I feel as if they're being a bit sassy about the quality of the
season. okay?
So Star Trek original remastered season three.
The year is 2268.
It's not gonna be a good year for Captain James T. Kirk.
And that's all with it.
Can't say they didn't warn you.
Okay, let's watch these bum heads.
Oh my god.
All right.
I'll count this in Five, four, three, two, one, and we're off.
We've literally got nothing to say that. for 50 minutes.
That's it.
We just lapse into silence.
Well, I think you could do some expressions and stuff.
Why not?
What do you think of that?
That egg shaped thing there, you know, with the staircase that
goes downstairs into the planet.
Yeah, it's something.
It's a thing.
I sort of thought it was cute.
It's not something that we're used to.
I mean, this is a very, very familiar set.
Um, And like, I think it's okay, you know, it's all right. looks
like a building.
It does, every time I look at those old sets, like, you know, with
the sort of lit up backdrops.
I always think to myself, I can't believe they did that again in
87 when TNG came along.
I can't believe they copied that.
They only really do it in that 1st year, don't they?
Now, poor old Leonard seems to have a terrible cold here.
No one mentions it on memory alpha, but he really has a terrible
cold.
It does take him like this light of time. like where he says, hmm
dust.
Apparently, these instruments haven't been recently used.
You go, wow, that deduction.
That's really amazing.
Thank you.
I mean, there's cobwebs, there's cobwebs.
It's like a horror set, you know?
What is this?
Oh, so a gigantic solar flare is emitting a radiation, which means
the enterprise has to back off, but their stadium.
They're all right where they are under the planet.
Yeah, yeah, because the atmosphere will protect them from the
solar flare.
This is a very oddly shot scene, isn't it?
The scene on the bridge when we're talking to Scotty and there's a
big white guy in the foreground who's just pressing buttons and
kind of like, why are you so big in this shot?
You're just looking...
He's an executive that was visiting the set and said, can I just
put on one of the costumes and be in the show, please?
Plays put it in front of the centre.
He is our chief financier, all right?
Oh, now, this, we have seen quite a few episodes like this where
it's like, okay, right, we've got their last footage and then
everyone's sort of panicking.
In this case, they sort of beamed out, bewitched style, aren't
they?
It's very odd.
So the black guy here in the pink outfit just quoted Psalm 95 for
some reason.
And there's some more Bible to come later in the episode.
Oh, now he's losing his shit, running upstairs. whee, there he
goes.
Let's go.
I actually quite like that effect, I have to say.
So we learned that he's just beaming out.
Like, it's actually quite scary looking and stuff because it's a
special effect that we don't see.
Oh, Shatner.
We get bored Shatner in a minute doing some just incredibly shit
acting.
Yeah.
It's the, like, that was, like, groaning, grunting.
Just so you know, all right?
So everyone vanishes.
Bones, where are you?
Ooh, and then he's just sort of hurls himself on the floor.
Isn't this how every season 3 tierOS episode starts with some shit
going down.
Him grabbing his head, everyone falling over.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he's got to be on the floor.
I think I'm getting a bit of a China's bald spot already.
Oh, wow.
That's quite good.
When they sort of popped him out of existence there.
His shape was on the dust, wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it was quite nicely done.
That's what we go to the credits on, which I think is actually not
too bad.
You know, I was reading in memory alpha.
Who said we'd blown our loads.
I was reading in Memory Alpha, that the original director for this
who was assigned to it, was vetoed because he directed a former
episode and went well over budget and time.
So they said, no, we're not having him back anymore.
So they brought in this cheapo director instead. this is the
result.
Yeah.
So his name is John Erman and this is his only Star Trek as well.
He doesn't come back.
How brown is this being on his side?
So this is a set written by a set, a script written by a fan who
one of four. isn't it?
One of four.
Yeah.
And Bob Justman, Robert Justman recommends the script to Freddie
Freiberger, who clearly thought it was great because he was
Freddie Freiberger, and he was a complete fucking idiot.
I mean, what it surprised you to know that she wrote the 1st
draft.
Then it went through the script editor.
Then she wrote the next draft and then Freiburger wrote the final
draft of the script.
But I mean, there is this obsession with just getting the
characters and torturing them until the episode ends because that
is what whom gods destroy is.
And that's what Plato's stepchildren is.
And I, like I said, I predicted that that would be this.
So here we appeared in an obstruct theatrical space.
It's just a black background and a spotlight.
Yeah.
Deforest Kelly said that he thought that this was his favourite
episode.
And one of the things that he comments on is that they're acting
with these very tight lights on them.
So the set isn't lit, but they are.
And like, I have to say that I think it's a pretty interesting, um
thing to do and having lots of negative space, space and black, the
you know, like it's a, an inexpensive way of achieving something
that is very weird and surreal, and, you know, compare, say
Spectre of the Garden, which does the same thing. but
artistically.
Yeah, I think Spectre of the Garden is much more beautiful and
much more clever because of the way that it marries real world
things, you know, you know, has pictures hanging up on the sky and
stuff.
That was nice, though.
There was a tight shot on them walking in the darkness and then it
zoomed back suddenly to take in the whole set.
And there's a couple of bits like that.
But you kind of need the whole episode shot like that, don't you?
And for the episode to be half, maybe two-thirds, less the
length.
Yeah.
I mean, the problem is that I'm pretty much bored of this look
already.
Like I appreciate it in theory, but in practice, I think it's
really boring.
It's beautiful woman.
She's getting up decorously.
She doesn't, who wakes up like that anyway and just sort of pulls
your arms up and, oh, like everything's an interpretive dance with
her.
Like, it is just like... very funny.
She sort of had her hand to her face.
Like, who are you?
And so I think it's actually disgraceful and lazy.
So we're having this conversation now that she has no vocal chords
and so she can't speak.
So she doesn't have the ability to speak because she doesn't have
you know, important speech organs.
And so she, we never hear from her.
We never hear what she thinks.
She has no character and no agency.
So it's just like we will have a woman here because that would be
decorative and just looking at all these men is not very
interesting, but we'll have a woman, but we won't write her a
character.
She's the only bit of colour in the whole thing in a beautiful
purple dress, you know.
And she is very pretty.
I can see why they keep giving her the close-ups.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's little and elfin and stuff in a sort of cute 60s kind of
way.
But you know what she reminds me of.
You know, like, do you remember being at school, you know, when
you did drama and that and you asked to sort of display emotions
in a very theatrical way without actually saying any words?
And it's just really poor.
That's what she reminds me of, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, she just showed fear there by holding up her hands, like
little claws, like, oh, stay away from me, you know.
And like, it's, she's referring to her as she, Nathan.
I'm going to call her Jim.
But why are you calling her Jem when there's a character here?
There's 3 characters here?
One of whom is called Jim.
So we have Jim and Jim.
Where 4 characters, 2 of whom have the same fucking name, is it?
Is it because you think she's a little gem?
I thought he was going to have a line like that.
I'm pleased they didn't go there.
Well, because later on, I wonder whether the original idea was to
call her Pearl and then in the, you know, like in the final scene
we get that quote from Matthew's Gospel about the merchant who
goes and buys the Pearl of Great Price.
I'm talking over the bum headed aliens, 1st appear.
Finally, something of interest to look at.
Well, not to know about that.
I mean, they are wearing sequins, which is a bit flashier and
fancier than the fashion on Talos.
Can we go to a Star Trek convention and cosplayer, this pair
please?
So they have names.
They have names. and one of them, Willard Sage is a big guy.
He gets an and credit.
I'm not sure which one he is. but they're called Lal and Than.
Lal.
The 1st Lal.
Yeah, yeah, the 1st Lal. you know, Data's daughter, but also this
girl.
Imperious, sparkly robes.
With a huge collar, you know?
A bit like Admiral Satay last week.
Well, I think the collar here is to disguise the, well, like the
Ferengi, you know, the Ferengi things that they have at the back
of their heads, which is just there to hide the gap between the
makeup and the skin.
Oh, my.
Look at the free of them doing?
No, we...
We trapped in a false field acting.
Just wave your hand slowly whilst the aliens advance menacingly on
gem.
Oh, no.
She's just gone down on a...
Oh, don't touch me, please.
She's doing hand acting.
She's doing jazz hands.
The jazz hands have done.
I look like he can't be fucked with her in this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Obviously, shattered us well into it, showing the pain of the
floor. like, oh, whatever.
They look horrible, these aliens, don't they?
Well, they've sort of given them veins around the mouth.
It's very unpleasant.
Something.
It is pretty bad.
What happened to make their skulls cave in at the side like that?
No, I don't know. they're just born that way.
That's thing.
Okay.
So, um, who are they again?
Please explain to me.
The viands.
Right, and do they just go around kidnapping people trying to
teach them lessons?
So none of this is set up in any way.
They just tell us that in some lines of dialogue, that this star
is about to go nova, but apparently lots and lots of planets are
around this star and they're all inhabited by different types of
people, but they can only save one group of people.
And so they're trying to find out whether Gem.
They're worth saving, whether they're worth saving.
Apparently empathy for other races.
Apparently the test isn't that they're people.
Do you know what I mean?
Who love their lives and want to live and you could save them for
that reason.
It's because, uh, like she's supposed to sacrifice her life to
save McCoy, who she's just mad.
She did a wonderful sort of Samantha bewitched magic trip back.
Yeah, I like that.
She touched his face and his cut disappeared and this little sort
of little spark.
It's in front of his head.
So the sparkle only occurs here and I wanted to see it again.
I thought it was the best thing about that little moment.
They could have given her Samantha like fingers, couldn't they?
you know?
Magic pixie dust.
Oh, no.
It's taken out of her, though. look.
Oh I'm so tired.
Headbows. so tired.
Because there was a great close-up of her with no facial
expression about any time.
Just remember all that.
It's just like, I don't really think anything about what's
happened.
I'm going to tell you this, right?
why she might not have a facial expression.
It's because later on, you know, the bit where she takes the pain
away from McCoy.
Yeah.
And takes on all of his hideous bruises from his torture.
She had to stay still for 8 fucking hours. whilst they they line
that up.
Now, that's why.
She goes I've got no emotion left in me.
He specialises are killing me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like they add them to her, don't they?
Like, they'd, like, tie her to a board so she stays completely
still.
And it's an effective shot, but it does take them 8 hours in a way
that obviously you could just do very quickly now.
You really are right though.
Like, what Deforest Kelly said about there being, you know, just
this black space and them highlighted in the middle.
So this could be a brilliant sort of psychological drama about
their core relationships, you know?
With nothing else to distract you at all.
Just with a great script that sort of pushes them in interesting
directions.
And then you really see what they mean to each other.
They don't really do that, don't they?
No, I mean, all they do is the sort of we, they try and outbid one
another to who's going to say, you know, as to who's going to
sacrifice their life.
But we don't ever find out anything much about them.
I think there's one really great line from D about Spock, where
where, um, Bones says you have an excellent bedside manner and
he's not being snarky and I just thought that was really
charming.
Like I thought, you know, that was actually quite nice and we
could have had more of that stuff.
I think this is the bit that's scary. kids. what's that Because
what he's about to say, look, say, gosh, Shatton has beautiful as
a young man.
It's prettier.
Oh, my God.
So they're stuck, subject link and subject.
Both in tubes now, expressing torturous pain.
Yeah.
Like, I think that's properly scary, but we never know why and it
doesn't go anywhere.
Like, it's just there for the... where he was strung up, Kirk.
And it's a bit, it's sort of a bit like a puppet, but that was a
little bit scary. in the.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
I think there's things in this would that would scare the shit out
of kids.
I think I tell you, and even that, you know, the fact that their
own tubes are there and already labelled, is pretty great.
Sorry.
The space museum did this idea better.
Ask is waiting for you.
Yeah, like, I think, you know, like, I think there is some scary
imagery here, but it's this, like, what the fuck?
I don't know.
Like, why are they dead?
Like what happened?
We don't know.
Hang on, you know.
He just said their own imperfections killed them.
So, oh, I'm so sorry we got in the way of your torturous
experiments and our bodies were weak.
He seems to be suggesting it's their fault that they're dead.
Well, I don't know, I don't know.
It just makes no sense.
And it doesn't go anywhere and it doesn't matter.
Look, I love that, where Spock just walks up to him and gives him
the fucking neck pitch and he falls over.
I just like, that is actually pretty fucking great.
If I shoot a gun at you, yeah?
It's not you got in the way.
It's not your fault that your body can't handle it, you know.
These aliens.
Now, look, that's just from the enterprise set.
Look at that grid in there.
That is from the Enterprise.
I bet all this is, isn't it?
I bet that's the transporter pad.
Actually, there's...
They are bum headed aliens, see?
They've got a butt crack at the back of the head.
Did you see?
It's quite a big room.
They sort of went right off into the distance.
It's a big space.
Yeah.
Oh, into stock cave set 52 and then the planet's surface.
Oh here we go.
I was surprised that we actually went back here quite so soon.
I thought we were going to be.
There's such a storm whip it up.
Watch how her shawl decorously blows about the place.
It's something, right?
It's like...
It's so stupid too.
And Scotty, who's doing his best.
I'm an illusion acting.
But despite this, you know, extreme storm.
His brill creamed hair doesn't move a jot.
No, well, no.
It's a terrible look, his hair in serious and free.
It's so bad.
It is so bad.
I mean, if the wind was that strong, those polar styroons rocks
would be a goner, wouldn't they?
they're stuck down.
I think they blew them.
Oh here he is.
Waving.
I can't have that.
It's Scotty in the search party.
There's a couple of really weird zooms as well, as if they're not
being done in camera, but later.
I don't know whether that's even a possibility, but there's some
very... novels who've been an hour in 60s straight.
I don't know.
I mean, I'm quite keen on a dramatic crash Zoom.
Oh, God.
We are observing you from above the polystyring rock.
Why does Captain Kirk start going in slow motion here?
Yeah, I don't really get it.
Is he actually in?
Slow motion or his shat.
Not just moving very slowly.
I think he might be slow motion.
I think it's both.
But the wind is still whipping sort of fairly quickly.
But again, it's just like, what are we learning here?
Do you know what I mean?
This is so boring.
It's just the aliens kind of going, they love their life.
Their will to survive is strong.
It's just like, come on.
Yeah, but what's just got to do with them testing her?
I don't know.
Because they're supposed to be testing them, so she reacts, I
thought.
Well, I think though, isn't she supposed to learn compassion and
self-sacrifice from them?
And so part of the picture is, they have to want to live.
This is just embarrassing, Bill.
This is shockingly bad.
I covered him in sweat though.
Look at him.
Yeah, yeah. that's terrible.
So the fact that they want to live means that they're sacrifice.
I don't know, I'm just making all this up.
So their self-sacrifice means something.
Maybe it's in slow motion because we just want to make out the
running time.
I think Shatner doesn't care how embarrassed he looks.
At this point, as long as he gets the close up.
I'm not doing this next year.
This is bullshit.
This is just not happening.
Is it true that there was 2 more years, you know, the five-year
mission.
Obviously this is year three.
Yeah?
I don't know.
Now, I know Dory Fontana thinks that was the animated series, but
let's not go with that theory.
Yeah, let's not go too far.
That's our sort of a pocket dimension that lower deck occasionally
refers to.
No, it's real.
It all happened.
You've got to hope the adventure's got a bit better than this in
the next 2 years, don't you?
I mean, this is this is like just nothing.
Just think of some of the stuff we've had in this show.
Think of them doomsday machine.
We had so much fun.
You know, like just, there's really, really good stuff.
Trouble with tribles.
Do a cobble do in a black room.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, all of this is so tedious.
And I think it's a sort of thing as well. that non-Star Trek fans
thing all Star Trek is like.
Yeah, the soundtrack's like this.
I'm headed out of bullshit. that kidnap Captain Kirk and Torture.
Yeah, yeah. that want to learn about this human thing you call, you
know, compassion or whatever.
This human thing you call kissing.
You know, like it's it's crap.
Yeah, unlike R2 from Enterprise, that, you know, only get one line
per episode.
Walter and Michelle, neither of them were like, they're not in
it.
No, they're not in it. rather not take the line.
We'll have the week.
Which is why that executive is there in water.
And there's a very pretty lady there in the shells.
Oh, okay. should have a look.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Scotty.
You know what he's trying to do?
He's balding, isn't it?
He's trying to sweep his hair over his balding spot I thought he
was trying to do, he was trying to do Shatnerhead.
Yeah, see, there's no way that Shatner, is it?
That is an amazing shot and it is terrifying.
No, he's too broad for Shatner.
Like, look how muscular that back is.
It's hard.
That hair is not the same.
Just stay there.
No, no, no, no, no, not at all.
Now here we are on the close-up from the front.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, he looks great.
He looks pretty good.
What would be your thing of choice to eat off of William Shatner
right now?
Tara, the stamens...
But I would need it off the stuntman's back.
Probably chips, you know, chip buddy.
Actually, I don't know.
That's probably a terrible lover, isn't he?
He'd just be thinking about himself.
Yeah, that's all right.
He loved he fucking loved these close up, sorry, didn't he?
It was hairy old.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And someone sprayed him with sweat, which is pretty awesome.
For some reason, the camera's sort of cradling in and out.
I don't know, I don't know.
It's very sort of Star Trek discovery style.
I just want to stop moving.
I did well round and do all sorts of exciting things.
It is very strange.
And so, so they're torturing him in front of her.
And then they drop.
Oh, that's when there's someone different hanging from the
ceiling.
Um, and like she's completely unreadable.
Oh my god.
She is thinking, oh, I could just take his trousers down right
now.
He's helpless.
She is.
I can torture him some more.
Oh, meanwhile, elsewhere in the void, we're kind of wandering
off.
So because of this torture, this was not shown in the UK until the
1990s.
Exactly when we were prepared for it in the 90s.
No.
Well, no, when no one gave a shit, you know, like at that point.
But they showed Miri in the 1970s and there were complaints to the
BBC, and so they decided, they reviewed the other episodes of the
series, and they decided not to show whom gods destroy, Plato's
stepchildren, and this, all of which are just tortured the
characters, episodes until the, you know, the credits run.
What is she thinking right now?
I don't know.
But he's been tortured and is in a terrible state and the camera
just keeps cutting to her with this blank look on her face.
Like, yeah, yeah, she's not conveying anything.
I feel as if she's thinking, what?
Do you want me to do something?
Like, I can't help.
She's doing it.
No, she's doing her fingernail kind of healing acting.
I've done this to a few men, you know.
And now she's feeling love and empathy.
Oh, pain as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But again, do you know what I mean?
Like it's her job as a woman to just shut up and fix him.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, she is the victim and empathise.
That's her job, yeah, you know?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So he's a big strong man who spends all day out at the being
tortured factory.
And then when he comes home of an evening, he expects her to take
on the burden of his, like, look how terrible.
Like, I can see why the BBC didn't show this in the 70s.
His hands look like cut up, didn't they?
It's quite nasty.
But now look, now her hands are.
She was giving it a bit of welly there, though, you know.
I teach.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There was some proper acting there and then it goes away and then
she's very tired.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, so where does it where does it go once it leaves her?
She heals.
She just heals.
Oh, okay.
Oh, so it's not so bad.
No, but it does drain her energy.
Yeah.
And so that's why she's, those, like, suddenly her false eyelashes
are very heavy.
That's right decorously just fell to the floor there.
Yeah, you know, in quite a comfortable position.
And look, it's nice padded carpet as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I actually like that bit.
The patterned carpet is very period.
It reminds me of my childhood.
Um, you know, uh, someone said that this this couch is like the
couch is in whom gods destroy, the special couch in whom gods
destroy.
Oh, really?
Oh, no, I swear they were all covered in co-opets and things, you
know, just...
What is that bizarre bit of apparatus behind them?
Just something.
Just put something in the set to make it look a bit more
interesting.
But light it red as well.
They're still doing the thing with the gels that they do in a
normal set, which I think is great.
Like that's an interesting shot.
It just adds some interest to the shots, some texture.
But like, you know, obviously this is usually lit in a really
vivid way to show.
So it is a creative choice to make this as abstract as it is.
Yeah.
Why?
It's so boring.
Yeah.
It's like I said, I'm in favour of it in theory, but not in
practice.
And if the rest of the episode was engaging in some way, or if
there were things happening that I could possibly care about, maybe
I could cope with that, you know, the black backdrop, but because
just a whole bunch of shit is happening in no particular order and
for no particular reason, um, you know, like the sets become
irritating under the circumstances, I think.
Do you know, the thing we discovered with this three, the main 3
in TOS, is they're at their best when, like, you know, like when
Kirk is really charming and relaxed.
And or when they're really funny, there's jokes, you know, banter
back and forth between Kirk and Mar, there's none of that here at
all, is there?
No.
But they've been in worse situations than this.
Yeah, like think about, think about how much like Spock's concern
for Jim was clear in the devil in the dark.
Remember that.
Like, again, Devil in the Dark cares enough about being a Star
Trek episode to set it in a place where things happen for some
kind of organic reason.
And we put the characters under stress and see how they react to
each other and what their relationship is like.
Here, it's just like you've got these guys saying you're going to
be tortured, you're going to have this happen to you.
Do you know what I mean?
Like all of this stuff is happening for kind of no reason as far
as we can tell.
Um, and so it's boring.
It doesn't matter.
Do you know what he looks like, that alien right close to the
camera there?
I'm sorry to do this.
He looks like the wrinkly old man in the sauna that's waited out
the whole day for the young people to be desperate enough to sleep
with him.
That's exactly what he looks like, you know, with his wrinkly face
there, you know, he's been in the steam all day.
Because he's got to kind of get a butthole face, don't you think?
Like that's kind of, it's super upsetting.
I'm saying that in a dismissive way.
I'm approaching that age now, right?
So I'm not being too mean.
That's it.
That's a grim portent of the immediate future.
Crush Zoom.
But do you remember as well, like how well-directed Devil in the
Dark Wars?
How edgy and expensive that direction was.
There's nothing happening here, is there?
And that was cheesy and pop art, and, you know, everyone was
wearing pink and like, it was all, it was just great.
You know, it was probably... that window, which was just a
painting.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And the duvet, like the fucking thing was a duvet.
You know, like it was preposterous, but it was just really good.
That's a well composed shot with the 3 of them in the triangle
isn't it?
Yes.
Yeah, yeah.
Every now and again, there is a bit of flair.
Yeah.
Have we gone past a bit, yeah, where Spock decides that he's going
to sacrifice himself. and McCoy is just appalled.
Well, I mean, again, you know, he sort of declares you have a 73
chance of irreversible brain damage, and you have an 87
perchance...
Climbs up on jam, Nathan.
She's thinking, ooh, I'd love a threesome with a pair of them.
You could literally, this just goes to show you could put any
words in this woman's mouth.
Bless her.
But is that what's happened?
That has happened already.
Is that what the bum headed aliens said in their close-up before?
I stopped paying attention to the subtitles.
Oh, I don't want to look at it.
I was just looking at you.
You're much prettier, you know?
Sorry, whenever they're on the screen, I'll look away.
Although maybe they're quite frightening for the younger kids as
well.
Yeah, but I think certainly the dead people in the in the
containers are pretty terrifying and so is the way that they're
strung up to be tortured.
So McCoy's just sent Captain Kirk to sleep and we're all quite
jealous of him at this point.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But again, there's something stupid about this.
So he pokes him with a hyper spray and then Spock does it to him.
Does he know?
Yeah, because Spock says, well now I'm in charge.
And so I'm going to go and sacrifice my life because I'm in
charge.
Um, and like, like this is all dumb.
Like, it's funny, couldn't you, that they're all sacrificing
themselves?
You could make it a joke, but it's so deadly serious.
But yeah, yeah, it's deadly serious, but it's also dumb.
Like, it doesn't come out of character at some weird procedural
thing.
It's like, ah, well, you made a tactical error, McCoy, by, you
know, anaesthetizing him because now I'm going to go off and
sacrifice my life and see how you like that.
Did you notice the cut to gem during that argument?
I can give you what she was thinking.
Jim or Jim?
What was she thinking?
Jim.
She was thinking, I'm not sacrificing myself.
Don't look at me.
That's what she was thinking.
That's right And that would be perfectly reasonable, but somehow
the bum headed aliens want to condemn her entire civilization's
being burned up in a supernova.
What she doing now?
So she's holding his arm and sort of smiling and tilting her head
slightly.
The eye makeup is really off putting, I think, don't you?
Yeah.
I've only just noticed, you know, her gown is covered in gems.
That's why it's called her gym, isn't it?
Oh, okay.
She's covered in crystals.
Right, right.
But what's happening here?
Your action is highly unethical.
My decision starts, Spot. does it?
Now he does it to Spark.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, God's sake.
God.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm jealous of Spock now, he's unconscious.
Oh, bum is the back.
The choice has been made.
Oh my god.
She's like, yes, off you pop.
Just go sacrifice yourself.
You'll be fine.
She just looks at him with infinite compassion.
Yeah, she is covered in gems, isn't she?
Just looking at that.
What does a look of infinite compassion look like?
Because she's dead behind the eyes.
It's that all kind of...
And a single test.
Oh, like that's happening. cascading down her beautiful face.
Well, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Sure.
Surely she's showing empathy now.
She's crying because he's killing himself.
Or torturing him.
What she's got to do is take on because like there are Bible
quotes here, right?
We had some 95 and we have Matthew, I think, at the very end.
So, well, it's very rare for the Bible to be explicitly quoted in
Star Trek.
And, you know, Roddenbury's thing is a kind of post-religion
thing.
No one's really religious.
And we don't see anyone religious in Star Trek.
We see people who have space religions later, like the Bajorans.
Uh, and we get a mention of Diwali, don't we, in data's day?
But no one seems to be actually religious, no humans are
religious.
But that guy, the black guy, quotes the Bible when there's an
earthquake earlier.
And then at the end, they compared Jem to the Pearl of Great Price
which is something that Jesus says.
And, you know, in a story that's about taking on someone's
injuries.
Do you know what I mean?
Someone is harmed, and then someone shows love to that person and
takes their injuries on themselves, even to the point where they
may die.
Do you know what I mean?
There's something, there's some Christianity, that's, that's a
sort of fairly sort of Christian idea.
Do you know what I mean?
So is there something religious going on here, but it's all
terribly undercore?
Not explicit about it though.
No, they don't know.
I mean, unusually Star Trek would point this stuff out.
Well, yeah, remember the bread and circuses with the stupid...
Beware people like Admiral Satay, Mr. Warf.
They are everywhere.
I mean, I mean, bread and circuses. you know, where we had
Christianity.
Like we had the Roman planet where we were in the last scene
wasn't it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But we knew already, remember, that they were followers of the way
or something like that, and they couldn't kill.
Remember the gladiator who couldn't kill anyone?
Obviously, Roddenbury's out now, isn't it?
So they're slipping this stuff in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, but what is it?
why is she required to do that?
Because she does, she shows compassion to McCoy and nearly gives
up, um, her life for him, but he rejects that.
He doesn't want that and he tells her repeatedly no.
And then, and then, you know, Shatnam stops the aliens from making
her do it or something.
Like, I just don't...
Why does she have to justify anyway that they're worthy of being
saved?
Are they a terrible race?
She doesn't seem a particularly terrible person.
No, but I mean, this is the thing that happens with these, you
know, like it's Q. You know, comes on to say, do you deserve, you
know, are you a species that deserve?
I mean fair enough.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And that's us.
And basically it's like, do you deserve to have 7 years of
primetime television?
You know, like that's what that...
Turns out, yes, but not quite yet.
And more.
That shot, again, of McCoy going to the ad break is terrifying
don't you think?
Yeah, it is it is nasty.
Yeah.
Unusually nosey for TRS.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, look at that. uniform's torn up.
He's covered in blood and scratches and bruises and the
description of his injuries to him.
Like his kidneys are failing.
You know, he's spleen his births like they describe his injuries
in a lot of detail. and he is... definitely dying.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Congestion in both longs, massive circulary collapse.
What have they been doing to him?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I feel as if these aliens should be punished by the end of the
episode.
I think so too, but nothing happens to them.
Do you know what I mean?
But, I mean, we have had aliens testing humans in Star Trek all
the way through and that's part of the problem here, isn't it?
That it's just this lazy shit again.
You know, but the twist is it's not testing us.
The humans have to be tested to make sure that they can be
recipients of her compassion or something or whatever.
The humans have to be tested because we care about them.
We don't really care about gem or something.
Maybe, right.
Maybe if they had allowed her to talk.
I have a character.
And she could have given us a tedious fucking backstory of our
home planet like we get every other week.
But it would have been some context to all of this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Otherwise, we're just guessing, we're guessing everything.
That's right.
And what if they rejected the, like they realised that the test
was her being tortured.
They being tortured to test her.
This is what's happening, isn't it?
And they, you know, but they get to talk to her.
They say, no, this is not acceptable.
You know, you're not failing the test.
The test is wrong.
And that's, you know, that's the conclusion that we reach, but
it's so undercooked because she's no one.
And as well, though, like, it takes for the aliens to say, oh, it
was never about torturing you people, it was about, so they don't
figure anything out.
They've been hanging around in this space.
I had plenty of time to sort of figure out what is going on.
Yeah.
I think the actors made it up. think that's what happened.
Yeah, yeah.
We were talking about allegiance earlier, which is a pretty
terrible episode of Star Trek the Next Generation, although it is
pretty fun.
So that's the one where Captain Picard's in his bed in his
quarters and he gets photocopied by these aliens and then
abducted.
And there's 3 of them or 4 of them, I think, in a confined space
and they're being tested in some way, but they don't know how.
And Picard has to work out how and why and who's responsible. of
that's here, for instance.
No, in that episode, it's, it is undercooked again, and the
answers are shit, but they do put a photocopy of Captain Kirk on
the Enterprise.
Sexy as hell and goes around trying to fuck Beverly and having the
best time of his life.
Shandy's in 10 forward and stuff, that's all terribly fun.
Maybe if we had copies of the main 3 here on the enterprise, you
know, behaving in an unusual fashion. waking havoc.
It could be quite fun.
Yeah.
They seem to have an enormous candle on the back of the set
there.
Do you see it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, they do. going on there.
Just in case there's a power cut.
Yeah, so like this is it now.
This is like a massive exposition dump about what this has all
been about.
But like, but like, we don't know about her planet.
We've never heard of it before.
We never heard of it.
Why did we mention that there were other planets?
Like your star system will be extinct.
Your son will go nova.
The 1000000s of inhabitants on its planets.
Where were they?
We haven't mentioned them before.
They knew about it.
They're not being told about it.
Why isn't it in the opening captain's log.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, all we know about is the research station.
Now, suddenly there are heaps of planets with 1000000s of people
on them, and we didn't think to mention them until, you know, like
9 minutes in.
We need like a Captain Kirk impassioned speech straight to camera
of like, why the fuck are you doing this?
You can go and help those people.
We'll go and do it then.
What are we doing here?
They're helping.
Like if they're aware that there are 1000000s of people, why are
they just going down to this fucking...
Did I mention I have a huge spaceship, you know, that could take
people on board?
But it's got every sign of just being made up on the spot, you
know, like...
Maybe this is a good argument against fan writers.
David Gerald was one of the unsolicited fan writers.
Was that Travel with Tribbles?
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, but he wrote that terrible TAS episode we did.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Ben.
No, I know.
Oh, I just can't look at those ugly aliens anymore.
There's some kind of sadness that they have.
Do you know what I mean?
Like they look, that's conveying something.
Yes, look at them.
Of course there's sadness.
They look in the mirror every morning.
Still recovering from having shaved this morning.
Is there only 2 of them?
Are they a race?
Do they have a plan?
No, no.
Yeah.
And in a way, like, that's not the sort of thing that matters.
Do you know what I mean?
Eve, the central thing was really interesting and there was a
mystery, we could cope with that.
But because nothing makes any sense.
So she's expected to now just sacrifice her life for him.
And that's what they're waiting for her to do.
Yes.
That is the question she doesn't want to.
But she does it anyway, and the poor actress hangs around for 8
hours whilst they apply the makeup.
They paint the things on the face. face looks really, really
nasty.
It's got a massive wilt on his face.
I think part of the problem too is that when we see her take on
those wounds, I don't think it's immediately clear that then he's
still dying.
Do you know what I mean?
That all she's taken is the visible part of his wounds, but he's
still haemorrhaging, you know, like all his internal organs are
haemorrhaging.
And you kind of think, well, why that seems like a bad way of
conveying that.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you know, this is a visual medium.
So visually it looks like she's taken on all his injuries and
dealt with them, but then we're told in dialogue, no, that's not
what's happened at all.
And you kind of think, well, you know, like you can't even get
tally right.
That was a point there where you just did it with someone who
doesn't watch Star Trek to walk in the room.
She was fluttering her fingers over McCoy in that sort of
interpretive dance way, whilst 2 enormous bum-headed aliens walked
towards her.
And Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock were caught in a gay ray at the
back of the shot.
I mean...
They're having a little disco to themselves back there. bless
them.
So that's it now.
He's all right.
Now she's, yeah, it wasn't worth the 8 hours.
It's all right, but it ain't...
Oh, yeah, but like...
But he's not all right.
Like, he's not all right.
Do you know what I mean?
He's still dying.
She hasn't fixed him.
She's just taking those things off.
Am I wrong?
Did I misunderstand that?
Oh, he still looks like he's in a bad way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because that's not what, so what we saw and then
what we get told happened, because she's not done.
She's got to do more. you know what I mean?
dead behind the eyes.
That should be like, 0 no, there we go.
She's come away from the makeup shot and then she's just sort of
collapses inwards.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. pain.
Oh, she's weeping now. sort of.
God.
Are they a mute racing?
Yeah.
Okay.
But I mean, that's just shit.
That's just, we don't want to write her down now.
You just wouldn't do that now if it wasn't a mute actor, which
is.
Yeah, yeah, but also you, like, then it becomes about that.
I mean, even in Star Trek, the Next Generation series 2, they have
the deaf ambassador. you know, and it becomes about communication
that whole story. about finding ways to communicate with one
another.
Like it's a thing.
She is afraid.
Yes, she's dying.
She is afraid.
Yeah, but she's not allowed to do that, because if she doesn't
save McCoy, we're not going to save her people.
But none of that makes any sense.
Why does that make sense?
She's doing the Tarantella or something like on the floor.
God, it's really bad, isn't it?
Please help me.
I deplore you.
Oh Oh, there we go.
Dr. McCoy's life is not solely dependent upon you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You could fix him.
You could do this.
Where's your fucking compassion?
Do you know any of compassion's so fucking great?
Why are you standing there?
You know, like not doing anything?
But none of that?
Like, even that doesn't make any sense?
There are just far.
There are other ways you can get people to display empathy without
torturing people horribly, you know?
It's baffling.
Yeah, yeah.
How much longer does this have to go?
Or put them in a situation where the pain and injury happens as
the result of a story and not because, you know, these dipshits
are doing it to them.
She just has no hope of giving any kind of a performance.
Because she hasn't made any sense.
No, she has no words, but nothing that happens here makes sense.
I'm surprised no one kissed her in the episode.
That's usually a given, TOS.
You know, it could be now.
Kiss me, Dr. McCoy.
Before I die.
Sacrifice myself for you.
Oh boy.
So he pushes her to the ground so that she doesn't save him.
Shatton is doing his best fucking...
She fell to the floor and did a sort of twirl around.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Little interpretive dance well.
Shatner is doing some really top quality force field acting here.
I do like the solution and apparently, like, um, so it's a, uh
it's a force field that feeds off your emotions.
If you get emotional in it, it gets stronger.
And so obviously Spot can break out of it because he can control
his emotions.
And so he actually see emotion, works that way.
Sorry, shitty force field works that way.
Oh, now now Kirk's out of the force field.
Now what's happening?
They're just on the ground.
Don't harm the masks.
We haven't finished it.
Oh boy.
Four minutes, my friend. nearly over.
Oh my god, please.
Yeah, so why won't they do it?
Why won't they do it?
If compassion is so big?
So it's such a big deal.
Why do they just expect a woman to have compassion and they don't
have to?
Do you know what I mean?
Like, it's ridiculous.
No, they say, no, we're not going to help him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, and so Spock says she offered her life, but McCoy said no.
And the, um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gem, oh, the right, the survival for her planet. the right for
that sort of thing.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just like save them.
Don't be dickheads.
Like, I'm going to put you through some torture tests. and if you
survive or if you decide to kill yourself, I'll save everyone else
on your planet, what's that?
Don be dickheads.
Imagine if that was what the, uh, like what the ambulance did.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, you're having a heart attack, the ambulance stones are.
To me that you're worth saving.
Can you forget?
right.
That's it.
I'm going to give you the trolly problem now.
Right.
You're going down a track.
My heart, my heart, please.
Sorry, though, don't wait before they gave me the answer.
Jesus Christ.
So stupid.
It's terrible.
I can't even remember how it ends now.
Did they just change their minds?
No, they've just changed their minds now.
Everything's fine.
She's lying on the floor because that's where she has the most
agency just absolutely lying in the middle of the floor in this
scene for no reason.
Like he nearly treads on her.
So now what's happening?
So they saved McCoy and then what?
They send her back and save her people the end.
Apparently.
Yeah, okay.
We know nothing about.
No, we don't care about.
I mean, please.
Curtisman Trek is just open for us to visit that planet at some
point where they all nobody talks any words.
Interesting.
I love this bit where the vines just, like they just get little
like they just vanish into the distance and they just get
minuscule.
Whee.
Oh, and they do a pull back on the actors.
Yeah, yeah, that long shot of them from, you know, from high up is
great.
Now here we are for the crap joke.
The set went back further than our thought.
I told you they were.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I thought it was really good.
Obviously, the radiation on the Ritter scale has been gone now.
Calm down now.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
The John Ritter scale it is.
I'm not puzzled with Spuck.
I'm awed.
Oh my god.
I'm with you, Captain.
She awed me.
Yeah, I bet she did.
Fuck you.
I just didn't even know what this scene is about.
And like then they're bitchy to Spock for no reason and then
Spock's kind of snarky back to them.
Scotty creating the Bible here for no reason. he wasn't even
fucking there.
Don't you know the story of the merchant, which is in the Bible
but we're not going to mention that.
It's just a story about the merchant, and it's a really boring
story.
He found a pearl.
He thought it was really good.
So he sold everything that he had, and then he bought the pearl.
That's the story. and it's like not really a story, is it?
Fuck has that got to do with any of this?
That's what I was saying.
She's the pearl of great price.
That's why, anyway, I don't care.
It's so stupid Oh, and was a good old-fashioned emotion that they
valued the most, like, what's this?
and oh, now let's make fun of Spock for not having emotions.
Let's all 3 of some mediocre white men gang out about this.
Yeah.
Could you be prevailed upon to bring them the news?
And then he says, oh, I'll give it all the consideration it's due
you hairy, smelly dipshit.
You should just give him the fingers swarms off.
Yeah, that's right.
Fuck you, guys.
Produced by Freddie Freiberg.
Thanks, Freddie.
They didn't even do the laugh.
Look, they're so half-hearted.
They sort of just smirk. that's so bad Oh, dear my God.
Okay.
Do you know what?
On reflection, it's really shit.
That's really shocking.
I mean, it's a thing that we've said before, isn't it?
Like, sometimes when you tune into TOS.
It's astoundingly brilliant, like extraordinary stuff.
Really, really brilliant.
Yeah, yeah, amazing.
And then sometimes it's like it's been written by people who've
never seen television before or kind of, you know, like don't know
how drama works in any way.
And like that was baffling, like just bafflingly terrible.
And just a complete failure to give a shit about what's going on
in the script.
It's outrageously bad.
Like just terrible.
You know, Freiburger did the last pass on the script.
I wonder if he came in and said, you know, all that dialogue
you've given that woman. cut it.
You know, like, We're not giving lines to women.
She can just emote all over the screen.
Yeah, it is a bit confusing.
Why do you think then that all of those people that love it?
Love it.
Do you think they think they're reading stuff into it that we're
not seeing?
They are reading stuff into it, and I think that you can construct
an episode that is doing something.
But, you know, it's that made up on the spot kind of quality that
it has where most of the episode doesn't contribute to any of that
at all.
And the stuff about compassion and empathy, even though it's in
the title really only kind of occurs in the last 15 minutes or
so.
And it just has all of the kind of Star Trek, like you have to
kind of admit that those Star Trek tropes are a bit shitty and a
bit half-assed, you know, just the number of episodes that involve
an omnipotent alien entity testing in some way because that turns
out that that's just incredibly lazy.
Like try and think of a thing that happens, a situation that
occurs, that tests our character.
That's interesting.
But just having bum headed aliens kind of declare that they're
doing it, that's super boring and bad.
And like I said, within the episode itself.
There was the possibility for those 3 intelligent characters to
figure out what this fucking episode was about without the bum
headed aliens, you know, 10 minutes before the end, half
heartedly.
They're not even that bothered.
It's not even packaged as a twist.
It's just them going, this is what this has all been about, Captain
Kirk.
Not about you at all.
You know, you could have had a great, It's not about us.
It's about her, you know, like, this crash zoom on Captain.
I know, just something.
Some kind of progression of a plot.
I certainly think just the massive laziness of the discovery that
at the end, they already knew that there were lots of inhabited
planets that were under threat here, but no one thought to mention
it to us, the audience earlier on, and that changes the whole
situation and changes like how does this mission make sense in
these circumstances?
Do you know what I mean?
Why do we have no compassion or worry about saving these people?
Like, there's just nothing there.
It's like a murder mystery where the killer is revealed to be
somebody we've never met before and hasn't been referenced in the
story and we're supposed to go, wow, God, really?
That's what a twist. amazing.
Like I said, they made this shit up on the day on the same.
Yeah.
All right, it's the end of the episode, and it's time for us to
find out where we're going next.
I chose the empath this time, and so that means it's your turn.
Joe, to choose from some other series.
Tell us what we're in for.
Well, I've got a bit of surprise for.
Because, you know, we sort of determined.
Perhaps it would be fun to do TOS to TAS.
Oh, okay.
But actually, I've decided, no, we're not going to do the animated
series.
I can't handle that much shit from the 60s straight 70s.
So instead, we're going to skip across to the other, our favourite
animated series, Star Trek Lower Decks.
Brilliant. excellent.
Let's do that.
Where we can be guaranteed a good time. absolutely.
Here I go.
It's season five.
Yes, I haven't I haven't watched any of season five.
Season five, episode seven, fully dilated.
Oh, this is really good.
It's really good.
I really like this one.
It's very strange.
Um, so they they go down to a planet where time passes much more
slowly for them.
And I think, I think there's a plot where Tendi and Talin are
having some kind of competition.
Like they're being competitive about who gets to be sort of a
chief science officer and stuff.
Um, is there's a senior science officer thing.
And so Tendian Talina kind of competing with one another, and
Tendi's kind of losing her shit a little bit, which is the thing
that Tandy does.
So it's Tandy Mariner and Talin, and they're down on this planet
and the planet is very kind of like a kind of farm planet or
whatever, and a huge amount of time passes down on the planet
while they're all up on the Cerritos, kind of waiting for them to
you know, try and get them back or whatever.
I can't remember the details.
I've only seen it once, but I did enjoy it.
Sounds like blink of an eye from Voyager.
Yeah, yeah, a little bit like Blink of an eye.
It's a similar kind of premise.
I'm sure it'll be blink of an eye, but with emotional consequences
for the characters involved.
Yeah, yeah.
That sounds what?
do you know what?
I mean, I haven't touched season 5 at all. and I'm really
intrigued to see what they do there.
Yeah, let's do it.
Brilliant.
You've been listening to untitled Star Trek Project with Joe Ford
and Nathan Bottomley, where online at Untitled Star Trek Project
com, where you can find subscription links and links to our social
media accounts.
Now, podcast artworkers by Kayla Ciceran, and the theme was
composed by Cameron Lamb.
This episode was recorded on the 6th of May 2025 and released on
the 9th of May.
We'll see you next time for Star Trek Lower Decks, fully dilated.
Well, first time out the bag.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
That's really fun.
There's some really great ones like towards the end.
Oh, no, look what the 2nd one would have been.
Keshon.
His eyes open.
I'm serious too.
Because they should do about Boimler.
Oh my god, these titles are great.
The next one after that is upper decks.
It's just come up.
I'm pressing the bar.
Let's just come up.
So Arpadex is the episode where we get to see what the show looks
like from the point of view of the characters on the bridge.
And because, you know, lower decks is what happens to the lower
deck is in a series where we normally follow the senior staff.
And so it's all about Shacks and Taana and, uh, you know, Freeman
and Ransom and who else?
I can't remember Miglimo probably.
Yeah, yeah.
I've just pressed it again.
I cannot believe the nerve, some of these titles.
The best exotic Nanite hotel.
Silly, yeah.
Oh, look, it's one about Troy, look.
Empathological fallacies.
Oh, no, that's the one where the, is that the one where the, um
all of the, it's like, it's like a bunch of women, it's like the
women from Sex in the City come on board the sheep and they're all
but they're all kind of, um, it's not literally the women, but
they're like that and they all come on board and they're all
betazoids and everyone goes crazy and Talin assumes it's her
because she's got, you know, Bendy syndrome or whatever the hell.
What's the thing that what's the thing that Sarat gets and she
thinks that she's sending everyone mad?
It's the um, it's the betasaur. what's this one called?
The next one is called The Inner Fight.
Fuck sake.
Oh my god.
There's one called Moist Vessel.
Oh, that's a great episode.
That's a really good one.
Here we go.
You remember while we were complaining the other day that the
Enterprise, you know, Countdown.
It was all very boring.
Of gods and angles.
That's great.
That's series 4, isn't it?
Oh, there's one on the ship because there's a god on the ship.
And I think it's the god from the who mourns from Adonis episode
actually.
Like, it's a... one that's just called caves.
Is it all about stock cave set number 52.
It's good.
It's so good.
Do you remember the episode?
Do you remember the episode with the shape shifting guy who was an
octopus?
The, the, um...
It's the, the animated series episode where it turns out that this
person is actually really just a sort of orange octopus that can
do shape shifting and so the case...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let me just...
You think I would remember that, wouldn't you?
No, we definitely did it.
Untitled Star Trek Project slash T-AS.
The more I press the spot, the more I'm laughing.
So it's called the survivor, and it's a shapeshifting red
octopus.
Here's what I wrote.
This week, crudely drawn, slow moving simulator of the Enterprise
crew interact listlessly in a crudely drawn, slow moving simulator
of Star Trek, except for the shapeshifting red octopus, which is
awesome.
Meanwhile, Joe drops £2 50 renting a Star Trek episode whose
budget was nearly 10 times that.
But this is, honey, you're not going to be able to see it.
But it's like a person who survived a thing, but it turns out
they're shapeshifting octopus.
Caves is this thing that is run by shapeshifting octopuses of that
kind.
They're all in it.
And everyone tells these stories about being in caves in Stockcave
Set one, and they're all set in redressed versions of the cave set
but in the meantime, it's all a big test being run by the octopus
is also in a set of caves.
It's really, really clever and really kind of odd and inventive.
It's like formally very strange.
I really liked it.
I wonder we love lower decks so much.
They're just absolutely in tune with all the things we mock when
we watch not these drag, aren't they?
I think that's the title...
It's called Starbase 80, question mark, exclamation mark.
I don't know why it's got all the punctuation at the end.
So Starbase 80 is a bad episode is like the bad place and it's
where it's where Mariner gets sent when she, like there's an
episode where she gets kicked off the ship and reassigned to
Starbase 80 and it's awful in Starbase 80.
And in fact, Starbase 80 becomes important at the end of series 5
and that's where um, uh, Carol and her husband end up being
stationed, it kind of becomes the new Deep Space 9 in the final
episode is Starbase 80.
It's very cool.
Yeah, it's a running thing.
An embarrassment of duples.
That's another great title. episode.
You remember that episode?
Oh, no, look, they're taking a piss out of a call to arms.
A farewell to farms.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, there's a thing called a farewell to arms as well.
Strange energies.
I mean, that could be any Star Trek episode, couldn't it?
I still think we'll always have Tom Paris, I think, is absolute
genius.
Two Vix is pretty great as well.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.