Hey, Joe. Hi.
So, we are watching Star Trek Enterprise, or I think, at this
point in its run, just Enterprise.
We're a bit embarrassed, aren't we?
A bit embarrassed by it.
We are a little bit.
It's series 2, episode 3, and it's called Minefield.
It's written by John Shaban, who is a X-Files alumnus, and he's
some kind of producer on this as well.
And its job, according to him, is to explore the under-explored
relationship between Reid and Archer.
Now, I would suggest that at the end of this episode. still
underexplores.
It's really funny because I have watched a fair bit of enterprise
and it's the only Star Trek that I haven't kind of watched all of
sort of.
And I have to admit that as far as I can tell, Malcolm Reed has no
actual personality characteristics of any kind.
That is the correct assessment.
Okay, all right.
That's right.
The most boring character.
Star Trek ever gave us.
Like, listen, man, I know you're doing your own podcast and you're
very proud to be part of this show, but Jesus Christ, you need to
focus on another part of your career, not this. is not your finest
hour. poor bastard.
So part of the problem, I think, with this is that.
It's not really an episode about anything other than John Shaban
looking back at series one and kind of going, we really should
address this character, which is a reasonable kind of writer's
instinct, but there's nothing there.
And so the whole story is really plotting and really slow.
It's thin, like there's nothing to it, and the central thing, which
is just an interminable conversation between Reid and Archer, which
goes nowhere, and does the usual boring Star Trek trick of
alternating between talking about the job that we're doing and
talking about our incredibly overcooked backstory?
And so the whole thing just sort of flops terribly.
It's really boring isn't it?
Well, the trouble is as well is they don't really dig up anything
interesting about his personality whilst they're also stuck in the
most ridiculously cliched situation you could possibly be in.
He's basically strapped to a bomb.
Yep, strapped it off.
I mean, it's just the most...
An ambitious premise, I can imagine for a Star Trek episode.
Because we've done it.
We done it in Warhead and Voyager.
We did it in, what was the DS 91?
Starship Down, and that was great fun with Quork and that, trying
to diffuse that bomb.
But with this bear, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.
I was trying to put my finger on, why read really fails as a
character.
I mean, I don't think it's a great performance from the actor.
But I think he is just delivering what's written, which is a very
serious, very stiff man who is always on the job who never relaxes
and had fun.
And I don't know, does he have hobbies?
I can't tell.
Like, does he do anything in his spare time?
Does he just sit there reading crew rosters?
Like, what is there to this character?
I just, I've got nothing to grab hold of at all.
Like, I always say that my in into a character is humour, usually.
The best characters are funny or, you know, the underdog or
something like that.
Something that likeable that draws you in, but there's just
nothing to this guy.
He's just like a, he's like a white board in an office, you know?
That's why he is.
Yeah, this episode explicitly asks the question, does he have any
hobbies and he says no.
So, you know, he has no interests or hobbies apart from work.
Do you not even wank Malcolm Reed?
Like, for God's sake.
He does go to the bathroom, apparently.
We discover that.
So that's his hobby, isn't it?
But the other thing is too, that there's sort of conflict between
the relaxed laid back in formal command style of archer and Reed
who is much more stiff, but the trouble is that archery is a
petulant shithead, who constantly yells at people and is in no way
relaxed and laid back as a commanding officer.
And, you know, you kind of think, imagine if it had been Anson
Mount Pike.
Do you know what I mean?
Who is genuinely relaxed and likeable, who has people over for
breakfast?
Invited people over, getting them all to do the cooking for him.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, like I really, really think that this is the sort of
thing that Pike would have worked perfectly well in and that
Archer absolutely doesn't work in because there's kind of no
contrast.
And the whole thing, he isn't relaxed.
He isn't chilly.
He isn't likeable.
That fucking breakfast at the beginning of the episode.
I was watching that scene, right?
and I was just waiting to hear what you thought. the way he goes
in with, you know, oh, didn't England win the football once or
something?
I was going, oh, this is so boringly heterosexual. can't stand
it.
But it's the 2 most charmless man in Star Wars.
You know what I mean?
It's as boring as straight men possibly get.
They're usually pretty boring.
Sorry, to you stuff, too, pans.
Straight men are usually fairly dull and tedious.
That's why they like Star Trek these two.
And like, he's literally trapping Reed in a situation he doesn't
want to be in.
He's not comfortable in him.
And he's trying to force him to relax and he's like, sir, I am not
this person.
Leave me alone and just let me be boring, all right?
And like, we're so unable to commit to this scene.
We can't do this scene.
Do you know what I mean?
We can't do a scene where the 2 characters are kind of awkward
with each other and we immediately have to, you know, have some
space thing happen.
And then we just leave the eggs Benedict there and it's that usual
stupid TV thing of we've prepared a meal, but we're not going to
make you watch the meal because we can't, you know, afford to have
people eating and or anything.
Do you know what I mean?
You have to go and do space things.
So they just...
They've been shooting this scene for a long time.
They don't want to touch that food.
It's stone cold.
But as well.
At the end of that scene, I was like, okay, I can see what they're
trying to do.
This episode is about this pair trying to communicate.
At some point in this episode, there'll be a situation of jeopardy
where they're stuck together and they have to talk.
Oh, it took so long to get to the point.
I was like, come on, please.
But when they get to the point, it's boring, like it's a really
really boring scene, it's so played, there's nothing here that
they haven't done before, and we can't write a drama about the 2
of them having some conflict.
We have to just have them, you know, strapped to a thing so that
they can't move and just talk about their backstory.
And I just longed, did you remember that scene in Picard where
Rios tells his starts telling a story and then his girlfriend, you
know, like causes him sudden pain or resets his arm or something
and says, yeah, he cries out.
She goes, yeah, great story.
And that's it?
Or, you know, the fabulous archeologist person, the pirate.
You know, he tells the sob backstory.
Oh, fake Baxter.
You know, my favourite still.
My favourite is still...
Tell him the story about the big, ugly tree.
The ugly...
They've got no sense of self-awareness in this show like that
though, do they?
So it's so right, and it's so boring.
Like, there's really nothing to it.
And the other plot which is sort of 1st contact with the
Romulans.
We can't do that.
It's part of a huge series of episodes of enterprise where we have
aliens that the audience knows about, but that the crew don't.
And so we do have 1st contact with them, but it's not proper 1st
contact because we can't spoil the 1st contact that we actually
have happening later.
So, you know, we have the 1st contact with the Romulans in is
balance of terror.
And we have the 1st contact with the Ferengi and Last Outpost, and
we have the 1st contact with the Borg in Q Who, but we want to
have them in Enterprise, and so we do this.
And that's so important to the enterprise that even one of the ad
break cliffhangers is to poll saying the word Romulan.
But none of that matters.
Yeah, they're the most fucking generic aliens possible.
That is the trouble with early enterprise, right?
Is it so fucking tentative?
They're not willing to take any risks of any kind.
So we're stuck with stereotypical bullshit like this week after
week.
What did we do before?
Strange New World.
We're going down on an alien planet.
Thanks, guys.
We've only done that 500 times before.
I'm way more excited than this.
I said to you in a message.
I did a comparison because the last episode we did was Times
Orphan. and Times Orphan had an absurd premise, yeah, an absurd
science fiction premise, but it was packed to the gills with
genuine sentiment and great character moments. yeah?
This, on the other hand, has a reasonable premise, like a
realistic premise, but the character work just isn't there.
And so where that was an enjoyable watch, um, hung on a, you know
ridiculous Star Trek idea, this is, oh, it's so mundane.
And it's so hard to get through when the characters just aren't
there for you to ease gently into the drama.
Oh, it's so frustrating.
I mean, we've watched episodes of Star Trek series one and 2 that
we've liked, or at least that I've liked, Night in Sick Bay, for
example.
I can't think of many.
But this is really unusually bad.
There's kind of nothing going on here.
And I think, you know, Berman and Braga are trying to pair back
the premise.
I think part of the problem with Star Trek at this point is it's
like you have to know a whole lot of shit before you're allowed to
watch Star Trek, you know, before you can properly appreciate it.
And so they say, all right, we'll go back to the beginning where
no one knows any of that stuff and where we're in a different time
period.
So those kind of rules don't quite apply.
And that's a reasonable instinct and stuff.
But they just don't do anything interesting. engaging and riveting
within that, though. and it just isn't there.
So much so that they obviously they reboot it for series 3 and
whilst that's quite exciting and I know you have issues with it
but they're being more ambitious.
Again, it's not a massive success because it's rebooted again, but
series 4 with a new showrunner, whose instincts are bang on.
It was like, he's not doing any of this.
He goes, no, we've done strange new wells.
We've been strapped to bombs before and all this bullshit.
Like, no, we're going to do these series of mini arcs and we're
going to explore the quadrant and these races that we've got in a
really interesting way.
We should be doing that now at this point.
Yeah.
I mean, you know, the thing is that Strangely Worlds proves that
it's possible to do a Star Trek show.
And I mean, even Star Trek, the Next Generation did that, although
part of what it did is fill the quadrant in in such a way that
subsequent iterations of the show had to take all of that into
account.
But even Star Trek, The Next Generation, can do an episode on a
planet that isn't involved in sort of galactic politics or
anything like that.
It can just do an episode like this.
This is something that's happening again, sort of no particular
background as far as I can tell.
And the bad thing about it too is that this is episode 3 of series
2.
So episode one is Stormfront part two, so it resolves the
Cliffhanger.
Episode 2 is Carbon Creek, isn't it?
with that sort of strange flashback. bit boring.
So this is really their season two, episode one.
This is them saying, here's what we're doing going forward in
series 2, and what we're doing is the same boring shit that we
were doing in series one.
I mean, my big comparison with this episode was...
Please go with me a second.
Disaster from TNG.
Because it's the same sort of thing.
In disaster, it's quantum filaments or something. creating
explosions.
Here we're in a minefield.
So we're in a situation where bombs and things could go off at any
minute. disaster, they packed it full of great comedy and big over
the top characters and those ridiculous children and all those
things we loved.
Here in our situation of extreme jeopardy, we get to know these 2
boring straight men.
That's right.
What has happened to Star Trek?
Why are they unlearn lessons?
See, this is the other thing as well.
Like you're joking about straight men, but I actually think that
this show is once again centring the story of Star Trek on the
experience of white men.
And so the principal relationship at the moment is trip and archer
who have a friendship.
So they know one another.
And so when Shiban gets his hands on it, he goes, well, there's
another white guy whose relationship with Archer has gone
underexplored and we should look at that.
You know, you've had a show led by a woman, a show with strong
women in it.
You've had a show led by a black man and a really diverse cast.
And this is sort of George W.
Bushie or a Star Trek, and we're going back to basics and it's all
about white men now.
And it turns out that's played. you know, that's super boring.
And these are boring, irritating, white man as well.
Well, you've got to do it.
Add another layer.
Have something to say.
They've got nothing to say about it.
You know, so the lack of diversity just means there's a lack of
colour and personality and all those things that make TV
bearable.
It's so stripped back this.
It's so plain.
Oh, what a way to start.
Yeah, yeah.
You've got an hour of watching the episode.
I must apologise, though.
I must apologise because I came into this episode with possibly my
squeakiest and most excitable.
Hey, and that's because we haven't recorded for 2 weeks and in no
way, because I'm excited to talk about this particular episode.
I just want to make that clear, okay?
I think that might be clear.
All right.
Okay, so I will count as in.
Yes, okay.
Let's explore why I just like hanging out with gay people so
much.
Let's go.
Okay.
Five, four, three, two, one, and we're off.
We said last week when we were sort of pressing the button.
Do you remember, we were getting all those ball entitles for the
Enterprise episode.
That sounds quite exciting.
No, we said it said, I'm really watching electric.
It is quite boring, isn't it?
Mindfield.
Yeah, yeah.
No, the most generic title possible.
So what's this?
This gesture here.
I think he's supposed to be zipping his collar up because he feels
he looks too informal, but the collar doesn't work or the zipper
doesn't work and so he just puts his hand on his chest and we keep
shooting.
Like, that's nothing.
He stops and does nothing.
Oh, just, you know what?
I would, if my boss.
Yeah, if my boss forced me to have breakfast with him, and then
chose the meal that I was going to have, and then try to make
small time.
It would just seem the most agonising experience.
For God's sakes.
There are a reasons why we just work with you people, all right?
We don't want to hang out with you as well.
Well, yes, exactly.
That would be really hard, you know, if you worked and lived on a
spaceship, wouldn't it?
You just couldn't get away from these people.
Well, and there is a little bit of a sort of discussion of that as
well here.
So I don't know.
I don't know.
You know, the very famous eggs Benedict from the chef there.
It does look very cold.
It looks miserable.
Yes.
I think the holiday sauce on the top has congealed.
Yes.
So this whole conversation, which you mentioned, and we have
Archer calling it soccer and then Malcolm calling it football.
And there is a one funny line that Malcolm delivers later, which
is a callback to this conversation. where they're talking about
football.
But it's awkward and it's actually unpleasant, like actively
unpleasant to watch.
Um, because Archer's being a dickhead and because Malcolm is right
to be kind of put off by him.
And I think we meant to feel the other way, aren't we?
We're meant to sympathise with Archer and think that this guy's a
stick in the mud, but aren't just being so fucking obnoxious.
I have been a manager, yeah.
If I was in this situation and someone came in and I was inviting
them into a social situation and they wanted to talk about work.
Guess what?
I would talk about work because that would make them comfortable.
Instead, he goes, no, don't talk about work.
Come on, didn't your mother ever tell you?
Don't take homework to the table.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's who I am.
If I want to sit here and talk about work, that's what I'll do.
He's he's a bad leader.
That's what I'm saying.
So this super awkward thing about the door, like who goes out the
door 1st as well?
Look, they both go to leave really quickly, and Archer, you know
the after you, like the whole thing is just toe curlingly
awkward.
And then by the end of the episode, is it, it's not really very
good.
Yeah, because nothing's changed, really, isn't it?
There's nothing to it.
There's one, you know, there's a moment where Malcolm relaxes.
And I think, you know, with a nothing character like this, it
really just has to be down to the performance of the actor, did
you see that, that, what was on the screen there?
It was from the bloody title sequence.
Did you say it?
No, it wasn't.
It was the special effect from the title sequence.
I swear to God, you know where Enterprise is on the planet?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
At the top of the screen?
Oh, it just looks like... season 2 episode one's got no budget at
all.
Oh, no, it does.
There's your budget.
That's a great shot.
That is a good shot, isn't it?
it's really good.
I do love it when you can see inside the decks. from the outside
of the ship.
I don't do it very often.
Voyager did it a couple of times.
Okay, look at the planet.
See, it's a different planet.
It's not the same planet.
Oh, my God.
Getting from there to here. flying over the sea.
Now my time is finally here.
The HMS and the pro, sorry, please.
With Zed.
All of these amazing achievements of humanity.
Yeah, mostly men.
This is the achievement of men episode.
It is.
It's appropriate for the show.
Great man of history.
Yeah, that's right.
I do, I do love the fact that they've, they've put all these, you
know, huge, and they are, even if they are achievements of men.
They are achievements, all the same.
And then at the end of it, they seem to suggest that the greatest
achievement is Star Trek Enterprise.
Do you know?
There is a thing that I do like about this, though, because...
Well, no, I mean, the song's terrible, but I like it anyway.
Something about space, you know, Star Trek isn't enough about
space and Star Trek the Next Generation wasn't about space at
all.
And this makes an attempt to be about space.
And I kind of...
Well, how tough it is getting out there and adjusting to it and
all that.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of boring though, isn't it?
But it's something.
Do you know what I mean?
And like, oh, I wish they do more absurd Star Trek premises on
this show, you know?
Stop turning them into mutants and things.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So this is also the debut of the new uniforms.
And the new uniforms are the same as the old uniforms, only
slightly lighter blue.
Now, not everyone's wearing them, but our principals are.
Are you for real?
Yeah.
So they didn't debut in episode one because that was part 2 of
Stormfront.
Then we had a flashback.
And so now they're wearing the slightly lighter blue uniforms
because they're wearing much...
So, guys in the back...
You know, it's like with Star Trek, the Next Generation where they
introduced the new uniforms in series three, but all the
background artists were still wearing the old ones.
So it's the same one here.
Everyone in the...
Those uniforms you could really see that they were more
comfortable in them.
Yeah, yeah.
There was a tangible difference.
If you hadn't have told me, I wouldn't know.
No, no.
But I think the difference, the only difference is they're
slightly lighter in colour, which is a good call because this is a
sort of fairly visually dull show on the whole, although he's Dr
Flux in a fabulous 70s.
I like going to Dr. Flux's sick bait, you know. quite light, isn't
it?
Yeah, yeah.
And I quite like that set, actually.
Do you know what I mean?
Like there's, it looks a bit more real than a normal Star Trek
said.
They're bringing in someone pretty concerned.
The red dwarf joke, couldn't they?
The gun metal gray.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Military gray and ocean gray.
You're not wearing the right blue tip beautiful.
That's right.
That's right It's just a shade off.
So we've wandered into a minefield.
So this is basically your staple of any old war movie, you know
we're doing sort of macho storytelling.
We're in a minefield.
We've got bombs to diffuse.
And what's unusual here is the music is kind of going for it in
this scene generally, but I just think there's no pace here at
all.
Like, I'm the only person who's giving it any kind of urgency is
Connor.
Like when we call into the, um, when we call into engineering and
he's shouting and stuff like that and he's making it seem like
there's some...
Flames everywhere or there's a bit of...
Everyone else, look at them all standing around, like there's no
they're not just fucking reacting to anything.
Jolene, Blaylock's like, I can't be arse with this.
So she actually does a really good line delivery in this scene
which I thought...
Yeah, yeah, but like it's an absolutely nothing, uh, like, you
know, functional bit of dialogue that she gives a little character
moment to.
And I just thought, oh, good for you.
You're actually trying here unlike just about anyone else.
You know what this episode needed, right?
It needed to poll to do the thing that 7 of 9 used to do all the
time.
And that is just cut straight to the point. yeah?
We always love that about 7 of nine.
We needed her to say to read an archer, you know, in the climax.
Oh, well, you 2 just talk already.
For God's sake, just kiss. come on Oh, that would be the most
hideous kiss, though, wouldn't he?
There was some CGI going on here.
Instrument coming out?
This is...
Look, there. is from the title sequence.
Oh, yeah.
You see that?
I don't know.
I'm not that convinced.
It can't be that expensive to do a new planet, for God's sake.
Um, so it's that that line there where she says it's not going to
work because it was designed to detect solaban technology.
And then she catches herself and goes, actually, that's a bit
pissy and unhelpful, and then she says, I'll try changing the
phase variance, but you can actually see her thinking as if she's
just thought of the 2nd half of that line.
And I know I'm clutching at straws, but it does just...
I'm going to try and get this scene something.
Yeah, I'm going to try and give it something.
And so she manages to eke a little character moment out of it.
But there's nothing for her either.
All the time.
I am going to contradict somebody you just said there because you
know that whole thing you said about sort of going into space.
I just watched over 30 seconds, him putting a spacesuit on.
Yeah, and I get it.
I get, you need to put a space fit on to go outside the ship, but
fuck me.
We did an episode recently, Npok Law, where they were just in the
spacesuit straight away, straight to the horror and the drama.
Yeah.
So here, I think too.
The fact that when they're outside and they're trying to play it
for some reason as if we're in low gravity, even though we're on
the fucking surface of the ship.
Do you know what I mean?
We can have whatever gravity we want.
But we've decided it's low gravity and we're in, and so the line
like the, everything is glacially slow. like they move slow.
Oh, there's there's little robot read, advancing towards the
generated thing.
I do want to say, though.
Like we watched 1st contact recently, which had a similar sequence
on the exterior of the Enterprise.
And given the budget differential, I don't think they did too
badly here.
On the whole, you know?
Yeah, I think there's some good shots.
Like, I think there's some good shots, but part of the problem is
that when the 2 of them are out here, the scene is played so slow
in order to just reinforce that we're in space.
We have to talk very slowly to each other.
We have to wait in between our speeches.
Everything is just deadly dull.
Can I confess something to you?
Right, so I put this episode on and sort of somewhere in the 1st
10 minutes, a food delivery order came right.
I was so lazy, I couldn't have been be asked to go to the shops
and it was crisp and sweets and all sorts, you know, snacky food.
And I was just going to have some crisps, but I was just so bored
watching this.
By the time I got to the end of the episode, that entire food
order had gone.
I'd eat an order, Chris, all the sweets.
I was like, something's got to make this endurable, this slow
episode.
Enterprise is making me fat.
Why don't we just attach the whole plate thing, let it drift
away?
Oh, that's what they do, isn't it?
At the end?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But that's the whole thing.
So we'll get there because that's the, you know, there's a big
command decision that Archer has to make and we're given no
insight into why he chooses to make the decision that he makes and
none of it makes any sense.
But that's kind of the thing.
We have these 2 alternatives.
We let Malcolm defuse the bomb or we just let it drift into Spain
and both of them are kind of possible.
One of my favourite TV shows when I was a nipper was Quantum
League, right?
I just...
I loved I loved the sort of Doctor Who-ish premise of being able
to go in all those different time zones.
And one of the big parts of the reason I love that was Scott
Baxter, who just adjusted to the tone of every episode so well and
was just so effortlessly likeable throughout the entire run.
Whether the episode was good or bad, you wanted to hang out with
Sam Beckett, right?
Yeah, yeah.
What happened?
I don't know. don't know.
How did they make him this boring?
Boring, yeah.
So we've just seen our 1st Romulan ship and I thought that it was
actually pretty good because I think it looks like something that
might have been designed in the TOS era, but it's got a kind of
modern sensibility it's able to have sort of curved, you know
curved lines and stuff like that.
It looks a bit paired back, but I actually think it's quite a good
design.
So that's.
Did you see the graphs on the wall behind Tapole there when she
was, it looked like she was editing a podcast while was going on?
Did you see?
She was.
So I like this.
This is the other bit that I like where Hoshi just gets up and
says, tell them I'm on my way and she like, it's so rare for her
to get anything like that.
Yeah, yeah, a line.
And I thought that was really great.
Like, she just says, oh, fuck it.
Tell her I'm on.
And that's a good line for her and a good kind of character moment
for her.
But that's all she gets.
And then it's just back to now...
I like to imagine Linda Park had a highlight, all right?
Every time she got a line. she'd highlight the script, but she
never had to get a 2nd pen in the whole 4 seasons.
She could have shared a pen with her with that.
Travis.
You want to borrow the fence?
How many lines you got this week?
Oh, no.
I'm just doing reaction shots this week.
Don't worry.
Keep it.
Save the ink.
Travis does get more lines than usual this week.
But again, there's a kind of...
Because he gets to say things because we're mostly on the bridge
and talking about going places and stuff.
Um, so, yeah.
He's so pretty.
Travis, I'd give him... make him the lead of every episode.
Remember the end of the episode when we were in the alternative
universe and he was in bed with Linda Park.
Do you remember?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, man, it was so hot.
Yeah.
And when they do give him lines, he's good.
I think he's good.
Why don't they realise what they've got?
This is another thing, too, that because all of the computer stuff
is, is, all of the space stuff is computer generated, it's not
real models, they've kind of decided that they can actually, you
know, make them look staticky and stuff are not real as if they're
cloaked, which is something that we probably wouldn't have thought
of doing before.
So that's something.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, I think that shot's kind of okay.
I mean, Nathan, at the moment, yeah, there's a Romulan ship just
there, and they are literally going through traversing a minefield
in the extreme danger.
There's a bomb literally stuck to the outside of enterprise.
Travis has sweat all over his brow.
Why is this so boring?
Yeah, in fact, it's almost like it should be so exciting.
It's almost like they put the sweat on Travis's brow so that we
would know that it was a tense situation because there's literally
nothing else.
You know, like nothing else at all.
It's so limp, isn't it?
It's amazing.
Something's not working out here.
Quick, get the water bottle on, Anthony Montgomery.
Squirt, squirt, squirt.
Squirt Anthony's forehead.
I think you are right.
I think he probably is the pacing though.
Yeah, it is.
The pacing is really bad, isn't it?
So, this guy does 5 episodes of Enterprise, James Conner.
I don't know anything else about him.
I could tell you something about him.
James Compner is a director of some fantastic episodes of Buffy
the Vampires.
Oh, wow.
So you've got a Buffy director and an X-Files writer bringing this
bullshit to life.
So we've now got the big new thing that we've done in this episode
which is that Malcolm has a big spike through his leg. sticking
him to the hospital. did make you win...
Yeah, and it does, like, and there's some computer generated
blood.
And then, you know, like, um, you know, that, you know, you get
the corking gun, you know, like it seals automatically around the
wound. like there's this sort of staff.
And so, so what ends up happening is that should be tense because
he's horribly injured, but it's not because they just give him a
shot of anaesthetic and basically all that is happening is, is
he's immobilised.
And so no tension is caused by the fact that he's been seriously
injured.
We just neutralise that.
And so again, every time that it comes time to do something, they
take the most boring option.
So aren't just about to say that it hasn't hit the bone, so it
doesn't matter.
Do you know what I mean?
And like, like he never exhibits any pain.
Um, he does a little bit of a sort of gag about a very limp shitty
gag about the drugs and then it's never mentioned again.
Do you remember?
Yeah, the Buffy the Vampire episode at the end of series 4 where
they're all having the strange dreams about the cheese man.
Yeah, yeah.
James A. Continent directed it that episode.
He also did 2 of the Dark Willow episodes in series six.
This man can direct.
What went wrong?
Yeah, I don't know. don't know.
Maybe maybe he just went, oh, the scripture.
It's not worth my talent.
Yeah, because this is a functional job.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, God.
So the Star Trek people have forgotten how to write.
The Buffy directors have forgotten how to direct. direct.
No one's really bothering to act, are they?
Yeah, so we can give him anaesthetic through the, through the, you
know, vacuum sealed space suit, which is good.
That's a good trick.
I mean, I don't care. like whatever.
You really are clutching at straws now.
But I mean, this whole conversation is all stuff that we've
already heard.
We know about trips planned to let the thing go.
You know.
I don't know.
It's so functional though, isn't it?
All of it is so okay, we're going to try this.
We're going to do that.
We going to try this.
Like, there's nothing imaginative about it.
There's nothing creative about any of it.
It's like we're going to go through all of the motions that we can
possibly go through to get you out of this bomb and this bomb away
from the ship.
And so he gets...
And then at the end of the episode, the bomb gets away from the
ship and...
Yeah.
So he gets the drug, shot of the drug, and he goes, please, sir
can I have some more in a sort of cockney accent?
you know, as if he's Oliver Twist, and that's supposed to be funny
and he smiles, and that's kind of, you know, like, he's British
Nathan. and so Oliver Twist and football are the only 2 things
that are defined. that we have.
He should have said something at the startlight.
You ever watch Doctor Who?
I believe that ran for 60 years or so.
Have you ever eaten a black pudding?
Do you know what kid there are?
Have you had pudding yesterday?
Toad in the hole.
Holy crap.
Um...
How many well cliches are there about the British?
I want to know what you people say about us.
Oh my god.
Well, that's quite a nice shot there.
It's putting away from the Enterprise.
That was awesome.
Yeah, like some of the effect shots are quite tasty.
But it doesn't matter a jot if the writing isn't there.
You can put as many pretty images as you like on the screen.
Well, no, I mean, I think pretty images matter.
Like it's television.
Let's do pretty images, but yes, I'm bored.
Do you know what I mean?
Like I'm super bored.
I mean, if you went on a date, right?
Yeah, with somebody who was very pretty, yeah.
Well, I'll just say, you know, imagine someone really pretty right
now.
They were utterly charmless, you know, and serious with a bug up
their butt, and, you know, nothing creative or fun about them at
all.
Would you last to the end of the date?
I know, are they going to put out afterwards?
Oh, I doubt it.
Not if it's Malcolm Reed.
No. don't think he knows how.
There was some talk about him being gay, wasn't there?
Or some discussion about whether they were going to make him gay
or was that just...
That boring man, the one gay character in Enterprise.
Make it, make it, Anthony Montgomery.
Yeah, yeah, that would have been great.
That would have made sense.
He would have seen some action.
We did have the, we just missed the incredibly boring, the
Romulans cliffhanger, which is super boring for everyone concerned
because no one apart from us.
And again, if we're pairing back, if we're pairing back the law, if
we're making it so that you don't have to be a mastermind
contendant to watch this stupid show, then why is these are the
Romulans, like the thing that we go to the ad break on?
You know, like that's super boring.
What's a limper word than cliffhanger?
Because I think that's too extreme.
The choice I... a precipice... a precipice drooper.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's just the ad.
Ads, you know, we're going out to the ad break on this very boring
thing. that's right.
Oh, no, this.
Jesus Christ.
The most exciting thing this episode could possibly do is blow the
pair of them up.
Yeah, that would have surprised me.
Well, I wonder whether, you know, like, think about when Kess
leaves Voyager.
Um, she leaves in sort of episode 2, doesn't she?
Like at the end of episode two.
So like if, if, um, poor old, it's Dominic Keating, isn't it?
Is that his name?
No, that's his name.
If he had sort of said, fuck this, I'm not going to get any acting
opportunities here, I'm going, home.
This would be the episode where you do it.
Do you know what I mean?
Because it's the 1st regular episode of the 2nd season and they
haven't killed him off in the finale.
I'll just be complaining what a boring way to go in such a dull
episode, you know?
I'd still be complaining.
But it does kind of work in that we have the captain's attempt to
reach out to him.
We centre on him in a way that we haven't before.
We have that awkward breakfast, then he tells the story of that
just interminable fucking story. about his uncle who is scared of
drowning.
Imagine just being scared of drowning.
Most people are comfortable with the idea of drowning, but this
this pussy is scared of drowning, like, like...
I generally jump into the sea, you know, just hold my breath and
have a great time.
We've all done it.
So this guy scared of drowning, and then he drowns to save the
ship, and then, you know, Malcolm is going to do the same thing.
And there is a great moment, which I think is actually pretty good
where Malcolm just pulls the thing out of his suit and says, fuck
this, I'm going to make the decision for you.
You're making a dumb decision.
I'm going to make the decision.
But no, they still should have put hung a lantern on and go, well
I can't bear this boring conversation anymore.
I just pulled it out.
We can't have any more cliches.
I'm sorry.
It's got to end.
And now he's explaining to us how he felt in that 1st scene where
he was having breakfast with the captain.
It's just like, it was visible, Malcolm Rees.
We watched that scene.
We don't need you to tell us how you felt because that was what
the acting in that scene was for.
Why are you telling us?
were collectively clenched during that scene.
Okay.
And should I all of this stuff pulling out the rods?
It's just so, there's just no imagination in this.
Sorry, but it's Star Trek.
One of my favourite scenes.
No, no, no, Bob, you, no, standard stuff.
Yes, but we've done this.
Exactly.
So many times.
But they think this is new just because it's new characters doing
it.
And it's really long.
Like, it's the absolute focus of the episode.
And so the one that I think, which is really great. where we do
this because we do this all the fucking time in Star Trek.
We alternate between, you know, pass me the hyper spanner and you
know, talking about our wife or like whatever.
And there's that one moment in the outcast where Soren turns to
Riker during this scene and says, tell me about your sexual
organs.
Which, I think, would have livened this scene up enormously.
Oh boy, would it?
But like the bit the bit in Starship Down.
Where Cork has to choose which rod to pull out.
And it all becomes a massive character moment.
It goes, it's like gambling.
It's a it's a game of chance.
That's what makes it so exciting.
We might die.
Let's go.
And it just falls one out.
And it's so great.
And guess what?
It only lasts like 2 minutes.
It's sort of 20 minutes.
It never stops.
Never stops.
Also, you're talking in the past tense, lieutenant, and he hasn't
used a past tense verb at all in that entire speech.
So this guy's a writer.
He should know that that annoys me because I'm a pedant.
Or a pedant.
I think John Shaban doesn't realise there is a much more exciting
way to pull rods than this.
Yeah, I mean, this is so boring.
I have to say though, this prop is pretty great.
Do you know what I mean?
Like, don't you think the prop is pretty good?
But it, oh, I think the whole ship, the engineering, all the props
they do, it all looks nicely functional, like it does the jobs
that it should.
Yeah, but again, who cares?
It's just like, let's watch. let's watch Bakula play with this
prop.
And the prop will be back as I think it's like, according to
memory alpha, like part of some Zindi hardware or something, so
they keep...
He's still sweating there.
He's still sweating.
Okay, forget his name.
Spray Anthony's forehead.
What's the character's name?
Travis.
Oh thank you.
See, I should know the regular's name in this show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, I do, but that's my brother's name.
So that's kind of why.
Arming the backup mechanism.
Oh, God.
You'll have to fall the circuit into thinking it's still online.
How do we do that?
There's a hyper spanner in the equipment case.
I mean, really. boring, isn't it?
No, I will say about John Shaban, right?
I mean, I said excitedly, he was an X-Files writer.
He was the most meat and potatoes of all the guitars, writers, like
oh, his episodes were so dreary.
Yeah, generally speaking.
Every now and again, like Vince Skilligan, you know, went on to do
Breaking Bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every now and again, they paired him up with Vince Gilligan and
suddenly John Spann's episode was quality.
Just shut up.
They did the one.
Do you remember the one with the genie that was wrapped up in the
carpet that granted free wishes and Mulder went, I want peace on
earth, and the genie got rid of everyone else on the earth, except
him.
And he walks out into the Washington DC street and there's no one
there at all.
I don't think that was John Shaban's doing that.
Not if this is representative of his work.
Oh, now we've got instruments coming out of cases.
What's that, a spanner?
No, it looks like a scout. you paying attention?
God no.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maybe if I was an engineer, you know, I might find this a bit more
exciting.
Tinkering about it.
I mean, it is so boring and like, what if I was a straight man?
Drink, I'd like this people.
I think this is just boring.
I think, like, it's the result of pairing the whole thing down so
that everything is as simple as possible so that Star Trek isn't
hard to follow.
Like they do dumb the show down.
And also showing us how everything functions to the minute detail
instead of just getting to the point.
Well, this should be tense.
Do you know what I mean?
Because we're diffusing a bomb.
So it should be tense, but it's not.
And everything is like super boring.
And this thing, the fucking afraid of drowning thing is so dumb.
It's so dumb.
Afraid of drowning.
You chose to be in space.
Yeah. just like, wow.
You're so brave.
So bizarre.
But like, they're afraid.
What a man.
Oh my god.
Oh, dear.
Oh, Nathan.
Listen, this may have been my hardest test, you know, so far, and
I'm tiles.
Right, yeah, we're looking through this.
No, I'm watching the talking.
You and me can talk about anything, right?
If needs be, we'll talk about me making a cup of tea or something
like that.
No, watching this thing.
No, well, I watched it twice because I'm a very professional
dedicated podcaster.
Start with the topmost component.
Use the calliper to lift it a few millimetres and then turn it
clockwise, 360 degrees.
And gently.
And Star Trek.
Gently reinsert it now.
Now that sounds exciting. saucy it's starting to get saucy.
Oh, here we go.
He was something of a hero to me, my great uncle.
You mean the one with aquophobia?
Yeah, that's the one. the other one.
No, he has aquaphobia.
Malcolm has aquophobia, and his uncle has aquophobia, but
ironically, he drowned and he found out he quite liked it
apparently.
No, that doesn't happen.
But, like, it's so boring.
Like, who cares?
is so boring.
Jesus, right. you know, they could have, they made a joke of this
at the end, you know.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know your uncle, the one who had fear of
drowning, him.
Just make a joke out of it or something. like it's really shit.
Like, that's nothing.
Like, that's the best we come up with. something exciting just
happened there.
They was pressing those rods clockwise, and now he's telling them
to do it. counterclockwise.
Yeah, yeah.
Anti-clockwise, as we say.
We haven't tried that.
So that might be the solution to this.
That's so interesting.
Oh, they hit a mine left over from the world war.
Here we go.
Oh, this trapped underneath an ice shelf.
So like it's so bad.
It's so bad.
Like, it's always terrible when Star Trek characters tell these
stories. like they're super boring.
They're not what anyone does and they're all really overdetermined
and stuff like that and it's kind of like, like, oh, the man
afraid of drowning, ironically, drowned.
The ship was sinking. blah, blah, blah.
Jesus Christ.
Do you remember that time when Kira was fixed to the spot and a
great enormous rock was developing over her?
I really miss those days.
At least it was a bit quirky, you know?
Yeah, yeah, stupid, I think you mean.
And it was.
Yeah, but I would take stupid over this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
You name me the stupidest Star Trek episode and I would watch it
over this.
Genesis.
Oh, there.
Subros, yes, please.
They're both fun.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll even rewatch what was that dreadful DS9?
Dramatis persona, you know?
At least this guy was beating the shit out of some people.
Well, it just shows you that I was right to properly appreciate a
night in Sick Bay because it's much more fun than this.
It has the dog.
Do you know what these extreme close-ups they're doing now?
No.
Spencer.
Are they going to kiss?
but they can't because they're wearing helmets.
I don't think I don't want to be rude or anything like that.
Mackleberry's not a pretty bloke, is he?
No, I mean, he's all right.
He just looks like a person.
It's fine. you know.
What's he saying now, won't tell a soul?
No, he needs you.
What's your secret map?
Come on.
But then it doesn't does it happen or is he weighing now?
Like, when does he start weing?
No, wait.
If you can get fluid into the suit, surely you can get fluid out
of it.
You think you just, but like...
We could at least watch the pee flying through space.
It would be something.
But I think you can we in a space suit.
Like, I don't think you have to hold it in if you're on the
fucking moon.
Like, dude, like, like, you're on the moon.
Did you see how to Paul was sitting on that chair then?
Sort of poised like an Amazon warrior.
Oh dear.
Oh, so now we're talking.
So now we're talking to the Romulans because we've learned their
language.
We didn't know in 2151 what we now know in 2024 about concussion
and Hoshi should not have been doing the translation, but she
has.
No one knows who plays this Romulan.
And it just sounds to me like John Reese Davies.
Yeah, can you just do a voice for us, please?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We haven't got to paying the other actors.
Well, you notice how how dirty Tripp's faces?
Now, you got dirty right at the beginning of the episode, but
they've just been sitting around on the bridge.
Surely you could have washed it.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Don't they have wipes or something?
Like a little dispenser on the wall.
Next to the little hole that they...
They're pretty still fucking twisting these things around on the
bomb.
Get on with it already.
I think the stars in the background are good.
The occasional shot of the Nacelles is good.
Do you know what I mean, in the background of the thing?
If I've learnt nothing else, you know, I do know how to dispose of
bomb in the 23rd century.
No, you don't.
Because, like, it's rearmed itself, we have to quickly undo it
now.
There's a reversal.
Oh, you're because you're there going, thank fucking Christ
they've done the 5th of the detonators are now our long nightmare
is over.
And no, no, it's it's rearming itself.
We have to undo the last one.
It's just like, oh, you're kidding me.
I can't know it's the actual bomb like going around though.
So it looks like he's just pulling out the same rod each time.
Oh, no, no, he goes around to the different side.
He goes around.
Are you sure?
Well, you paying attention?
No.
Oh, Reed just had a line there.
He went, it's too deep inside.
Yes.
No, he's talking about the...
Yeah.
No.
He's all out the bomb, is he?
He is talking about the bomb.
New thing that they have to diffuse is like right in the middle
any possible du entendre at this point is the...
Oh, God, that was a cliffhanger.
What happened?
I don't know.
It's just like Reed says, you know, you have to let me go or does
he do that?
You've done all you can.
It's time to kind of let me go And then Archer says no.
And it's kind of like, okay.
Okay.
Um, but why?
Do you know what I mean?
I'd prefer a burial at sea.
I thought you were afraid of Warsaw.
My God, I'm really learning a lot.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's got to keep repeating the same point over and over again. 2nd
characteristic.
He scared of drowning.
Oh, I don't think we'd actually hear about that ever again.
I don't think he ever goes near water.
Does it come up in space all that often, perhaps?
is the thing. true.
That is true.
Yeah.
And we've already been to the Carbon Creek in the last episode, so
that's how... he wasn't there, was he?
He wasn't there.
No.
Tapal.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, God, at least at this point he could have gone, oh, no
that's it.
He's unplugging.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But I actually quite like that.
Like, I kind of think that that's a dramatic thing that happened.
Do you know what I mean?
Like it's...
Some more dramatic archer dropping the pads and it went flying off
into space.
No, Malcolm.
Malcolm doing his, I'm unconscious and floaty acting.
And then, like, again, we just very quickly plug it back in and
he's fine.
And doesn't Archer plug his own thing in to him as well?
Yeah.
But the only cliche we hadn't done at this point was self
sacrifice.
Of course, we had to tick the box.
But it was leading up to that, wasn't it?
Because we had the uncle story of self-sacrifice and we had this
conflict over whether to leave him behind or not.
And he doesn't want.
He thinks that Archer shouldn't do that because he disapproves of
Archer's command thing.
And so he preempts it.
But it doesn't like, fuck, like, whatever.
Who cares at this point?
Oh, I just can't bear any of this, him going, leave me, him saying
no, I'm not going to leave you.
I'm not going to do that, Jesus.
But, I mean, the other thing too is that none of this is here.
Do you know what I mean?
It's like he's a, like, if we'd had something, like, leading up to
this, maybe we do, maybe Malcolm expresses reservations about how
Archer, you know, captains the ship, but I doubt it, because all
he's doing is kind of polarising the hull plating and shit.
Hey, so in later episodes, there are points where he sort of
stubbornly says, oh, you're doing a bad job, Captain Archer. you
know, he's right. but he's so annoying that you don't want to
listen to him anyway.
Yeah, yeah.
Then in season three, they have the Macos come on board.
Oh, okay, so he gets conflict with Stephen Carter or whatever.
Super jealous of the head macco and so yeah, so that's his rug.
It's always sort of this macho bullshit.
Then in the last season, of course, he is an agent of Section 31
That was his dirty past.
The bad section 31, the one which mates on the top of an
unconvincing, uh, city block with a guy in the flashing Mac.
They never get a handle on him, ever.
I don't think Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
And but in 4 years, I don't think the actor does either.
No, I don't think he's ever comfortable in that skin.
But think about Star Trek the Next Generation, right?
Where scenes are not generally about who the characters are, and
the characters have like a 3 line bio in the ship's Bible, but
everyone's performance is distinctive and interesting enough that
they feel, you know, they're people that you can have affection
for.
So you don't need a big complex backstory.
You kind of need the actor's performance to bring it together, but
he's not being given anything and he's not trying to get anything
out of the lines or do anything that the writers can grab onto
because that's the other thing. isn't it?
Like writers see that people are good at particular things and
then they try and play to their strengths.
I don't know.
It's like, it's like when they realise that, um, uh, sitting alpha
deal one, Colomini.
And they were like, man, man, we just got to keep playing this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they did all sit in the Alpha deal when Andrew Robinson, you
know, like, let's just keep...
I hope they didn't look at this.
I mean, we never have another Malcolm Reed archer.
I think it's because they watch this, you know?
Yeah, yeah.
But as well, it's like you said about TNG though. the chemistry
the chemistry between the crew.
It's very rarely the character writing.
No, no, it's always out.
They bring to it and the affection that they have for each other.
It is infectious to watch.
There is limited chemistry amongst this cast and there is no
chemistry at all between Malcolm Reid and Archer.
Yeah, yeah, none.
Because imagine if this was like Quork and Odo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Even like Geordie and Data or the captain and, you know, like
anyone, like on Star Trek, the Next Generation.
And, like, admittedly, it takes them a while to settle and have
chemistry and work out how Star Trek works in, you know, the late
1980s.
Like they have their share of ropey episodes.
But this is so nothing.
There's just so nothing to this.
I do quite like them flying off on the panels here.
Yeah, then the bomb goes off.
Yeah, yeah.
It's all...
Or something.
At least this ended.
Yeah that's right.
It could be crap though, doesn't it?
Oh, I'll take anything.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's a bit of action, I guess.
So this is a weird thing from Montgomery, right?
So he's looking at the instrument. everyone thinks they're gone.
Someone goes Travis and then he says, I see them bearing 213 mark
four, but at no point does he react to seeing them?
Do you know what I mean?
He's just staring at the thing.
It never occurs to him to kind of go to just indicate to us that
he's seen something surprising or new.
It's just when he's asked.
He goes, oh, yes, I see.
You know, like I don't know what's going on there.
I don't know what's going on there.
Maybe he's checking out.
Well, she wasn't exactly.
I mean, I know she can't show too much emotion, but she wasn't
exactly, you know, up in the stakes.
No, no, but there should just be some indication that he's seen
something.
Don't you think you would react to seeing him on the screen?
So this is the final scene.
Now are we supposed to think they're busy mates now because of
this extreme situation they've been in.
So the, the line is, he goes, if I may say so, your style of
command does have its advantages in that I'm now still alive as a
result of it.
Um, but, and that's the, the other joke is, which I think is
really great, is where he, he asks him about sports again when
they're on the surface of the, of the ship, and Malcolm says, I
haven't started following any sports since breakfast, if that's
anyone, which doesn't seem pretty good.
But there's really nothing here.
Like, that's it.
The doctor's here.
I just realised a way they could have salvaged the whole episode.
And why Reedus, you know, got such a bug up his butt, you know. at
the last minute.
No, no, no.
If reader said to Archer, there at the end, I really fancy you.
And then they all walk in and then you're like, 0 my god, he's
been awkward this whole time because he's in love with Captain
Archer.
It would have been something.
But yeah, there's a really sort of massive lack of ambition and
lack of imagination here, I think.
It's like the most rightly conceit.
I'm going to address this neglected relationship, and I'm going to
do it by strapping them both to a bomb and having them alternately
discuss, diffusing the bomb and an utterly boring, unrelatable
backstory, and then, you know, a thing will happen and we'll get
out of it.
Like, it's so boring.
Do you know, I'm going to say something that I hate the word lazy
because I don't think writing a script is a lazy art, you have to
construct a strip dramatically and give everybody dialogue and
character bits and blah, blah, blah.
But I want to say something I would not really say about it.
I think even I could write a better version of that episode than
what we just saw, you know?
I could add a few jokes. and a bit of personality and do a couple
more reversals and I don't know, just something.
Yeah.
Just something.
I couldn't possibly imagine ever going back and watching that
again, ever.
It's so patterned and so slow, there's so little going on.
And you know, it's 42 minutes long.
It's not a long episode of TV and everything is played at this
sort of weirdly slow pace because we're in space and everyone is
interacting with one another in the most boring way possible.
I don't know.
It's pretty...
It is the most passive suspense.
You're ever gonna see in a Star Trek episode.
Oh, let's go and watch something else and forget about it. anything
else.
All right, it's the end of the episode and we're going to find out
where we're going next.
This was my choice, typically.
And so it's your turn, Joe, to come up with something better than
this.
I don't think it'll take too many rolls.
Twice before we go into the Enterprise.
Well next time, won't you?
No.
No, I won't.
It's a weird kink you've got.
That's the thing.
That and that bizarre corpse, Android, sex from birth contact.
Sexy, sexy corpse, Android from 1st Conference. where... and
entitled Star Trek Project is your weird kinks.
The weirdest one of all talking to me.
About Star Trek.
So what have you picked?
What episodes?
seasons are we doing?
Okay.
Do you know, because you were predictable last time going to
Enterprise?
I'm going to do my unusual and put them all in.
Put them all in.
Okay, brilliant. that's right Let's see what happens. ready for
this?
Okay.
Oh, the original series.
Series 2, episode 19, a Private Little War.
Ooh. that could be interesting.
What's that all about?
I don't know, but it's said on one of those planets where it's
like a piece of the action, I think, isn't it?
Did I dream that?
It's like a earth-tight planet.
Is it Chicago?
I't know what it is.
I don't know.
Well, you know, I do like pressing it a few times. do it a few
more times, okay?
Your random Star Trek Voyager episode is season four, episode four
Nemesis.
Now, it's a Chakotay episode, bad start.
It's the one where he's there on that planet where all these kids
are having a war and they've got this sort of bizarre language
that they all talk that he's trying to interpret.
Yeah, that sounds terrible.
It sounds a bit tedious, doesn't it?
Oh, oh, no.
Whoa, pure coincidence.
DS9, season five, episode five, the assignment.
It's the evil Keiko episode.
We can't blow our load with Rosalind Chow though, this early, can
we?
There'll be nothing worse.
It's tempting though.
Oh, no, wait, please, let's do this.
I think we're quite low in the Star Trek Voyager stakes.
Okay, okay.
This is a particularly terrible, but I quite like it.
Oh, okay, that sounds perfect.
Season six, episode 25.
The haunting of deck 12.
I remember that.
It's so cheesy.
It's more fun than this, though, but we just watched. naturally.
And so it's a Neelix heavy episode.
He's narrating.
He's there with the kids.
He's got a wood in the Coco Bay around the campfire.
And the baby kept talking about...
No.
Yeah, I believe that the great haunting is, as usual, one anomaly
that they've gone through.
Yeah, yeah.
Some gastroous cloud that's going through the ship, you know.
But it's got some proper camp, like horror imagery of doors
opening and closing and smoke all in the ship and, you know, much
more our cup of tea than this.
Okay, all right.
That sounds great.
I'm definitely up for that.
And of course, the haunting of deck 12.
Also a good sign.
Let's do it. absolutely.
Oh, it's garbage.
It's great.
So I was watching an episode of Lower Decks the other day. and
Boimler thought that he was going to be in the Starfleets magazine
the top 30 under 30 and he doesn't get in it.
He was assured that he was going to get it, but he's not in it.
I think Mariner or something says, well, surely you were 31 and he
goes, but there were 50 honourable mentions.
And one of them was Naomi Wildman and she's 10.
Legend.
Is Naomi in that one?
I think she is, you know.
Jama hated it.
I remember he gave it like half a star.
Oh, you're automatically going to love it.
What did he give minefield?
Can we just find out?
Oh, probably 3 stars.
Yeah, let's have a look. one bem, probably.
One bim.
Okay, I've got him up.
Oh, what did you think about section 31?
Mission forgettable?
Oh, you hate it.
I hate it.
I would have watched the shit out of that show if it had gone to
show.
I would have loved that.
Oh, Michelle Ye.
I would have too.
Yeah.
Just for her.
Yeah.
So, wait, we're looking for enterprise season two.
Three, three, stars.
It's so boring.
Section episode featuring good characterisation.
Really?
What?
Yeah, I like this episode the 1st time I saw it when it was called
Shuttlepod one.
Oh God.
The point is watching Reed and Archer interact as they try to
dismantle Lo McGuffin.
It's not complicated but it is effective.
And he gives an island to Bay one.
It's crazy.
Crazy, crazy, crazy.
One of his commentators, does anyone else have a strong desire to
punch Archer in the face?
Yes.
Frequently.
Yes, mysterious commenter.
Oh, look, someone else.
Boy, oh boy, this dragged a bit.
Oh, maybe we should read out Jamba's comments commentators every
now and again.
Oh dear.
Oh, look what someone put here.
Sorry, I'm enjoying Enterprise more than any prior Star Trek.
Oh, bless.
I'm glad someone does that.
The story really dragged in the middle.
You're absolutely right I mean, we've watched things, you know
like we watched, what was it?
I always want to call it.
Oh, it's called Chosen Realm.
Remember Chosen Realm in series three?
It's the one that I compared to the way to Eden.
The one with the religious people.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was better than this one.
Yeah, I thought it was easily better than this.
I like, you know, like I'm, I like being aboard the Enterprise, and
even those characters are sort of really thin.
Like I just, you know, like I like the crew. like I'd like it.
In theory, I like it.
It's not my favourite, but it's still Star Trek.
I like watching Star Trek and that's why I choose itself and
because, you know, no one likes it very much and it might be nice
to see why it's good.
I keep waiting for my blinkers to go, though, and for it to be
really great.
I think the only really great one we've watched was the
alternative universe one.
It's just because they're having fun.
They're finally having fun.
Yeah, yeah.
And it was leaning into original track.
Jamma says mostly pointless, even when considering this series's
attitude to the big picture, one. 5 stars for Project 12.
Oh, really?
We're going to love it.
He didn't like it as much as he liked Bam.
I just love these schlocky ones, though, because we can just have
the best time watching them, you know?
Well, you know, like everyone hates Ethan Phillips, and I'm not
quite sure why, because I think he's really good and doing what
he's called on to do.
Yeah.
He's fat because he's scaring the kids all the way through.
I just remember there's one bit that feels like it's come from a
truly terrible B movie where Neelix is in the mess hole.
So he's narrating himself within the story.
Right.
And he's like, hello, who's there?
And you can hear this sort of...
And he goes out in the corridor. and the door's going, uh, uh, uh
uh, and suddenly all this smoke comes from nowhere and he swings
his, he swings his torch around and drew box there in a cat's mask
and there's a massive close-up on his face in the music. like, da
da da.
Oh my god.
That sounds awesome.
And I was like, look, the director knew this was shit, but it's
just something fun.
That's it.
If only that happened more often.
Yes, indeed, indeed.